Greasy Food And Ignorance Comic Strips - Page 6
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Boss: Alice, I'm adding Jeff to your project team. Alice: That's like trying to put out a forest fire by dropping a baby on it. Boss: I'm available to help, too. Alice: Okay, your job is to keep Jeff from doing anything.
CEO: We need to foster a culture of innovation. Does anyone have an idea how we can do that? Dilbert: You could give us less work and you could stop criticizing every idea we have. CEO: Does anyone have a suggestion that isn't ridiculous?
Boss: Did you vet this idea with your peers? Dilbert: They hated it. They also say you're incompetent and annoying, so how much can we really trust their opinion? Boss: It does sound as if they're wrong a lot. Dilbert: Exactly.
Wally: Our competitors have technology for reading brain waves at a distance. This shielded helmet will prevent them from reading the company secrets in your mind. You owe me $20. Dilbert: The bet was that he has to wear the trash can for a week.
Dilbert: I'll need to know if your device is compatible with our existing system. Salesman: It is 100% compatible with your system. Dilbert: I didn't even tell you what system we have. Salesman: That doesn't matter. Dilbert: It sort of does. Salesman: Not to me. Dilbert: So you don't really know if it will work? Salesman: I'm entitled to my opinion. Dilbert: Ignorance is not an opinion!!! Salesman: Please stay on the line for a brief survey.
Alice: Futurists say that someday humans will have the know-how to create an entire universe. Boss: Where would they put it? Alice: We should do these brown bag lunches less often.
Boss: Why is your project taking longer than expected? Dilbert: It's only taking longer than dumb people expected. Boss: Still, that's a lot of people. Dilbert: What can I say to make this conversation end?
Boss: What's taking you so long on the project? Dilbert: The application is unstable because the data model is driven by an overly complex relational database and there was no integration testing. Boss: Does any of that mean the same thing as "lazy?"
Dogbert: Today I'll teach you how to innovate the way Apple, Google, and 3M do it. Replace all of your dimwitted employees with smart people... then fire yourselves. The rest is just blah, blah, blah. Boss: Should we be taking notes?
Catbert: The big tech firms say they no longer care about hiring people who have prestigious degrees. Obviously, they're trying to sucker the rest of us into hiring idiots while they vacuum up the people from the top schools. CEO: We need to get on this. Catbert: We could say we get good results by hiring accused murderers who are out on bail.