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The Boss sits at his desk and says, "Alice, I noticed you gave birth by the Xerox machine this morning . . ." The Boss continues, "We don't have a maternity leave policy here, but if you need some time, I'm sure we can find somebody less fertile to fill your job." Alice replies, "Thank you, sir, but I don't expect any special treatment." Alice is breast feeding a baby under her shirt.
Ratbert sits on a lab bench and asks a man in a lab coat, "What product are we testing today, Doc?" The doctor replies, "We'll be testing the safety of cosmetics. This will be your most dangerous assignment." Ratbert walks outdoors wearing eye makeup and blush. People yell, "Hey baby!!" and "Whoa!! Whoa!!" Ratbert thinks, "Sometimes I hate this job."
Dogbert stands on a desk chair. Dilbert asks, "What are you doing?" Dogbert replies, "I'm writing an instruction book for newborn babies." Dilbert says, "You don't know anything about babies." Dogbert replies, "Okay, I'm not an expert, but compared to the people who have babies . . ." A man holds a baby upside down. A woman holding a sandwich asks, "Which end do I put the cheese steak in?"
Dogbert stands at a desk and types, "Although raising children is difficult, be assured that you will get help from a power greater than yourself." Dogbert types, "Teach your children about the higher power and about the 'Great Book' which will give them direction." A baby sits in a chair in front of a television. The father says, "They're called 'tv listings.' Without them, you're just flipping."
Dilbert sits at his desk working on a laptop. Ratbert says, "I noticed I wasn't in any of your old photo albums, so I pasted myself into a few key places." Ratbert shows Dilbert the album and says, "Here I am hugging you when you're a baby . . . Basically I put myself over all the pictures of this ugly woman." Dilbert says, "That ugly woman is my mom." Ratbert says, "Hey! I didn't raise you to talk bad about other people!"
The Boss, Dogbert and an Elbonian sit around a conference table. The Elbonian says, "We're offering attractive incentives to companies that move to Elbonia." The Elbonian continues, "Zero taxes, cheerful slave labor, amnesty from any inconvenient laws, and absolutely no environmental regulations!" The Boss asks, "Is that the best you can do?" The Elbonian hands a baby across the table and says, "Here, use my first born son as a lawn ornament."
Dilbert says to the Boss, "My salary depends on your opinion of my work. But you have no interest in understanding what I do, so . . ." Dogbert enters carrying a briefcase. Dilbert gestures toward him and says, "I hired the Dogbert Public Relations Firm to hype my performance and get me a big raise." Dogbert hands the Boss a document and says, "Press release: engineer cures cancer while saving baby from burning building." The Boss says, "That's not in his objectives."
Dilbert stands outside his lab. He tells Dogbert, "Well, Dogbert, I believe I have solved the world's garbage problem." Dogbert says, "I didn't know garbage had any problems." Dilbert and Dogbert walk down the stairs to the lab. Dilbert says, "I've invented the most efficient trash compactor ever." Dilbert kneels in front of a device and says, "This baby can squash two tons of garbage into a little brick!" Dogbert says, "No doubt you've considered the valuable uses for the brick itself." Dilbert asks, "Uh . . . Right . . . For home construction?" Dogbert says, "Or just as an immovable object that smells like Sylvester Stallone's socks."
Dogbert sits on a park bench with a woman holding a baby. Dogbert asks, "Why are you hugging that loaf of French bread?" The woman replies, "Hee hee! Yeah, newborn babies do look like loaves of bread." Dogbert says, "But in this case I think your baby IS a loaf of French bread." The woman looks closely at the blanket and says, "That would explain the smell of dough." The woman takes the bread out of the blanket. She says, "Must have been a mix-up at the grocery store." The woman says, "I hope this doesn't mean somebody is sticking little Jimmy in a toaster somewhere." Dogbert replies, "I'm sure he'll pop up." The baby pops out of a shopping bag. The woman says, "Ah, there you are in the grocery bag." The woman says, "I think I bonded with the bread." Dogbert says, "Remind me not to eat hoagies at your house."
Tags #Dogbert, #Entertainment, #thanks, #babysit, #doggie bert, #bret, #impressionable, #years, #innocent, #adult, #nonsense, #parents, #space, #aliens, #eat, #slaughter, #house, #kindergarten, #change, #probably
A man and woman say to Dogbert, "Thanks for agreeing to baby-sit, Dogbert." Dogbert says, "No sweat." A baby says, "Doggie-Bert!" Dogbert says, "Sit down, Bret." Dogbert and the infant sit on the floor. Dogbert says, "You're in your most innocent and impressionable years." Dogbert continues, "As an adult, it is my duty to fill your sponge-like brain with incredible nonsense for my own entertainment." Dogbert continues, "Your parents are really space aliens." The baby looks frightened. Dogbert continues, "They're just fattening you up so they can eat you!" Dogbert continues, "The slaughterhouse is a place they call kindergarten!!" The father hands Dogbert his money and says, "Thanks, Dogbert. Did you change him?" Dogbert replies, "Probably."