The boss says to Dilbert: "I scheduled the meeting for 6:00 A.M. so everyone can make it." Dilbert says to the boss: "I assume you'll show up at eight o'clock and blame the traffic." The boss walks away and says: "The great thing about being a sociopath is that I always get enough sleep."
Wally says to Dogbert the consultant, "No one uses the intranet collaboration software you sold us." Dogbert replies, "Your employees are defective. I recommend cat scans." Catbert examines Wally's head. "This one is defective too", Catbert says. The Boss yells, "Next in line!"
Dilbert points to a screen that says, 'Schedule 8 Months." Dilbert says, "In a perfect world, the project would take eight months." Dilbert points to another screen and says, "But based on past projects in this company, I applied a 1.5 incompetence multiplier." Dilbert continues, "And then I applied an L.W.F. of 6.3." The Boss asks, "L.W.F?" Alice answers, "Lying Weasel Factor."
Dorie's Boss says to Dorie, "Dorie, send an e-mail: employees are leaving work too early." Dorie's Boss continues, "I was to see more cars in the parking lot after 6 p.m. otherwise, heads will roll!" Dorie responds, "You type your own e-mail." The Boss replies, "I can't do that AND do this menacing pose at the same time."
Alice says to Tina, "This is a list of our executives who sold stock before announcing bankruptcy." Alice continues, "My plan is to bring each executive to the roof, hold him by the ankles, and shake." Tina stands on the sidewalk with an open bag. Money and personals fall from the roof. Tina says, "Ooh! A cat comb!"
The Boss and Dilbert are still in barrels. The Boss says, "Set up a meeting with the customer so we can demonstrate our technology." Dilbert responds, "It's humiliating because we're so poor now. What will I feed them?" Dilbert pours cat food into bowls for the customers. He says, "If you think the food is great, wait until you see our technology!"
Man: "I love golf. Golfing is fun. It's a good day to golf. Do you want to go golfing in the rain tomorrow at 6 A.M.?"
Wally: "No, thanks. I have plans to sandpaper my entire body and roll around in salt."
Man: "I hope no one ever creates a scoring system for that."
Alice: "Can you tell me who complained about my off-color e-mail joke?
Catbert: "No, no, no." "All conversations with human resources are strictly confidential." "Wally, wally, wally, wally, wally, wally, wally..."
Dilmon: "While you're here, be a dear and run some CAT-5 to my walk-in closet so I can watch my shows when I'm in there."
Dilbert: "I've notived that you only invite me over when you need a cable pulled."
Dilmon: "I don't want to put a bug in your salad, but I will."
Dilbert: "I'm glad we had this talk."
Five-Star Hotel
The Boss: "I'd like a wake-up call at 6 a.m. and a second one at 6:15."
"Then I'd like a team of bellmen to lift the head of the bed while blind maids hold my pants so I can slide into them."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact, I AM a manager."
