Doubling Rate Of Failure Comic Strips - Page 6
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141 Results for Doubling Rate Of Failure
View 51 - 60 results for doubling rate of failure comic strips. Discover the best "Doubling Rate Of Failure" comics from Dilbert.com.
Sunday July 17,
2005
Tags #wrong budget, #no probelms, #unrealitic, #failure, #deceptive forecstas, #believe the lie, #deception, #optimism, #few hours, #perfect budget
Transcript
"This budget would only work if the project encountered no problems whatsoever." "So?" "All projects have unexpected problems. Therefore, this budget is almost certainly wrong." "Leaders do not plan for failure." "Do leaders make deceptive forecasts and later act shocked when things don't work out?" "No." "A leader first makes himself believe the lie, thus turning deception into an inspiring form of optimism. Observe." "GAAA!!! BELIEVE! BELIEVE!" "The swelling will go down in a few hours. Then we'll have a perfect budget." "What?"
Sunday July 18,
2004
Tags #berating, #humilation, #importance of work, #making sound rate products, #motivate staff, #no prasie, #no raises, #threats belittling, #trophy wives
Transcript
The boss; I need help motivating the staff. Catbert: what have you already tried? The Boss: Threats, belittling, humiliation, empty promises, berating, slogans , posters and bullying. Catbert: hmmm...we can't praise them or they'd as for raises. Catbert: Maybe they can be motivated by the importance of their work. The boss: their work is making second rate products to sell to idiots so our executives can afford trophy wives. Catbert: have you tried yelling until your face turns purple? The boss> make three copies, please!!!! Carol: This is new.
Thursday June 20,
2013
Tags #deception, #managers & supervisors, #company policy, #rate staff, #no upper body strength, #real reason, #business
Transcript
Boss: Company policy says I have to rate one-third of my staff as "Does not meet expectations." I chose the two of you because you have no upper body strength. This way it's safer if you go berzerk. I thought you said I should tell them the reason I picked them. Catbert: Not the real reason.
Thursday March 27,
2014
Tags #efficiency experts, #stress, #consultant, #booze muhkidney, #travel work, #unhealthy food, #total failure, #sleepless nights, #power point slides, #business
Transcript
Consultant: All I do is travel, work, and eat unhealthy food. I'm a total failure at managing my own life, and yet people hire me for business advice. I haven't slept since October. Dilbert: I was told there would be PowerPoint slides. Consultant from Booze Muhkidney
Saturday November 22,
2014
Boss Transfers Problem To Someone Else
Tags #Advice, #bad advice, #problem, #problems, #snag, #prodcuts, #accept failure, #lie, #transfer problem, #father, #old sayings, #Family
Transcript
Dilbert:I'm hitting a snag with this RFP because our products don't do what they need. Should I give up and accept failure or lie about our features and transfer the problem to them? Boss: My daddy used to say it isn't a problem if you can give it to someone else. Dilbert: Then he drove you to school?
Thursday November 27,
2014
Planning To Lose
Tags #failure, #insulting, #planning, #business plan, #plan for failure, #losers, #angry, #same page
Transcript
Dilbert: If our business plan fails, do we have a plan for that? Boss: Only losers plan for failure. Dilbert: I think we're on the same page, but for some reason you're angry about it.
Friday February 27,
2015
Selling Bad Software Is Like Crime
Tags #big business, #business, #criminals, #user interface, #software, #lower tax rate, #engineering
Transcript
Dilbert: Our tests show that people can't figure out how to use our software. And yet we still sell it. How are we different from criminals? Boss: Our tax rate is lower.
Saturday March 28,
2015
Ceo Understands Wally
Tags #buzzwords, #deception, #economists, #economy, #jargon, #chief economist, #quarter, #exchange rate, #derivatives, #yen, #monetary policy
Transcript
Boss: Our new Chief Economist, Wally, will tell us what to expect in the coming quarter. Wally: The exchange rate on derivatives will trigger a bubble in monetary policy and deflate the yen. CEO: I totally understand that and have no questions.Boss: Wow! He's good.
Thursday May 07,
2015
Rewarding Wally's Failures
Tags #failure, #excuse, #laziness, #justification, #reasoning, #excuses
Transcript
Wally: You should be celebrating my failures instead of punishing me for them. Failure is the raw material of success. If I am not failing, it means I am not pushing myself hard enough. Boss: Fine. What have you failed at? Wally: I failed to work on my project this month.
Tuesday June 16,
2015
Click Rate On Death Alerts
Tags #advertising, #technology, #analytics, #smart watch, #app, #ad, #click, #clickbait, #attention, #distraction
Transcript
Boss: Our health app accurately predicts the user's time of death and sends a five-minute warning. Our business model is paid advertising that we disguise as "death alerts." CEO: How's the click-through rate? Boss: Surprisingly low. It's hard to get people's attention these days.