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Boss: Please stop using email to express your colorful opinions of our marketing campaign. We don't need a discoverable record of you describing our advertising plan as "Pinocchio doing the backstroke in Satan's septic tank." Remember that capitalism without deniability is the same as poverty. Dilbert: Eh?
CEO: Our machine learning technology allows us to track customer preferences and use that knowledge to manipulate them. Dilbert: That seems like the step that happens right before the machines take over the earth and annihilate all humans. CEO: There's always one person in every crowd who says that. Dilbert: Not for much longer, apparently.
Catbert says, "We monitor all of your actions, but we suspect you are still doing non-work-related thinking." Catbert says, "My lab assistant Trixie will attach sensors to your head and track all of your thoughts." The computer screen says, "Mmm... Trixie, wear this while you wash my electric car." Trixie thinks, "Engineers."
Wally: "May I see the vacation schedule?" Carol: "Why do you want it?" Wally: "No reason." "Well, Ted, I hope you're enjoying your vacation." The Boss: "Wally, do you have the cost estimates?" Wally: "I'm waiting for Ted's input. He's on vacation." The Boss: "How about the revised time-line?" Wally: "I'm waiting for Ted." "Do you need any office supplies? I'm going to the store." Dilbert: "Maybe some pens." TED Wally: "Limited selection but excellent prices." Dilbert: "Thanks." Wally: "So, I understand you have a vacation next week."
The Boss: Wally, I bought Dogbert's Management Software to yell at you so I don't have to." "I recommend Track 3, titled 'You're my least valuable asset'." Dogbert: Who wants to buy Dogbert's noise cancellation headphones for bad employees?" "I need you less than my mousepad."
The Boss: I've decided to manage by spreadsheet. "I'll track things until all of our problems fix themselves." CatBert: "Your optimism is cute." The Boss: "Thanks. You're pretty fuzzy yourself."
"Catbert: evil director of human resources" "Excellent idea." "Cell phones with cameras are banned from the workplace." "Why?" "We don't want you taking pictures of proprietary information." "Most of our information is in digital form and can be e-mailed anywhere." "The rest is on paper that can be copied, scanned or tucked down one's trousers." "My new cell phone will be rendered useless for no good reason!" "And you aren't even banning regular cameras!!" This one goes in the scrapbook." "Snap"
A coworker addresses the meeting, "The ad campaign was a huge, huge success!" The Boss responds, "Wow!" Dilbert responds, "Define 'huge, huge' success.' How much did sales increase?" The coworker replies, "We don't track those numbers." The coworker continues, "But I know the ad created a huge buzz because of all the e-mail I got the next day." Dilbert asks the coworker, "How many messages did you get?" The coworker responds, "Six. But that's a lot for one topic." The Boss exclaims, "Wow! Six!" Dilbert responds, "How many of the six were from your own employees?" The coworker turns to The Boss and asks, "Who invited the engineer?" The Boss replies, "I thought he was with you."
The Boss says to Dilbert, "I have an idea!" The Boss continues, "We'll automate our online tech support." The Boss says to Dilbert, "Our software will analyze incoming e-mail and send responses based on key words!" Dilbert, his tie flying up, says to The Boss, "That's an excellent plan." The Boss responds, "I know." Dilbert says, "But what about the one percent of our customers who actually get a useful response?" Dilbert says to The Boss, "Maybe we could wear ski masks and throw rocks at their houses." Dilbert says, "Then we could achieve our goal of 100% customer dissatisfaction! Whoo hoo!" Dilbert throws his arms up in the air as The Boss watches him. Dilbert thinks to himself, "Maybe I should work someplace where sarcasm and supportiveness are different things."
Asok: I'm afraid to give Alice my opinion of her plan. Dilbert: What's the worst thing that could happen? Asok: She could rip off both of my arms and beat me to death with them. Then she could track down my family in India and kill them one by one. Is this your first time giving advice? Dilbert: I just figured out why no one ever asks for it.