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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 01, 2010's comic on:


Tags #mother, #son, #help, #rebate, #laptop, #tv, #ringtone, #scheme, #plan, #yell, #phone call, #Family

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Mom says, "Dilbert, could you help me fill out this rebate form the next time you visit?" Dilbert says, "Sure, mom." Mom says, "Also, my laptop keeps crashing." Dilbert says, "I'll take a look at it." Mom says, "My TV is acting up again too." Mom says, "And maybe you could show me how to change my ringtone." Dilbert says, "Do you really need all of that help?" Dilbert says, "Or is this an elaborate scheme to inoculate against me ever wanting to move back home?" Mom says, "We have a bad connection! What? What? What?" Mom thinks, "That should buy me another six months."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 21, 2007's comic on:


Tags #help alice, #argument, #team work, #control killing

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Wally: My accomplishment this week was helping Alice finish her project in a timely manner." Alice: "You didn't do anything to help me." Wally: "Sure I did." "Remember when I came to your cubicle to ask for some data I need for my project?" "You said you were too busy, and shooed me away." Alice: "If I had insisted on doing my job, you would have had less time to do yours." Wally: "It's called teamwork." "Are we still big on that?" Alice: "Must control...First...Of...Death."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 20, 2002's comic on:


Tags #new house, #next week, #heavy objects, #help, #cares about career, #professional companies exist, #move things, #wonderful system, #mobile home, #trailer

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Dilbert is sitting in his cubicle. The Boss approaches and says, "I'm moving to a new house next week." The Boss continues, "I have lots of heavy objects that need to be moved." The Boss continues, "I wonder who will help me." The Boss continues, "Maybe it will be someone who cares about his career." Dilbert turns and asks, "Did you know that professional moving companies exist?" Dilbert continues, "It's true. You give them money and they move your heavy things." Dilbert continues, "It's a wonderful system. You should look into it." The Boss says to Carol, "And maybe you can bring your trailer." Carol exclaims, "It's a mobile home!"

Dilbert Chooses Life

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Dilbert Chooses Life - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 03, 2015's comic on:


Tags #off the grid, #emergency, #hiding, #help, #cell phone, #service, #connection, #nature, #allergy, #reaction, #decision, #technology

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Dilbert: My hiding strategy of going off the grid was working until I ate that berry. If I call for help, the government will find me. If I don't I will die. I choose life! Phone: No service.

Dogbert Won't Teach Persuasion To Dilbert

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Dogbert Won't Teach Persuasion To Dilbert  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 11, 2017's comic on:


Tags #negotiating, #persuasion, #help, #altruism, #selfishness

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Dilbert: Can you teach me to be more persuasive? Dogbert: What's in it for me? Dilbert: It will make you feel good to help a friend. Dogbert: Does it feel as good as denying you? Dilbert: I have no way to know. Dogbert: Bah!

Spare Time

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Spare Time - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 02, 2018's comic on:


Tags #time, #help, #rudeness

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Man: Do you have some spare time to help me on my project? Dilbert: There's no such thing as spare time. There is only you inconveniencing me for your own selfish benefit. Man: You're being rude. Dilbert: Stop blaming the victim.

How Dilbert Can Help

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How Dilbert Can Help - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 15, 2018's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #project, #criticism, #option, #boss, #worthless

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Dilbert: How can I help you on your project? Woman Employee: I'll send you my files and you can do all of my work while I criticize you behind your back. Dilbert: Is there another option? Woman Employee: Yes, it' involves telling your boss you're worthless.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 14, 2018's comic on:


Tags #carol, #Wally, #computer, #problem, #crumbs, #crosstalk, #protocols, #help

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Carol: Wally, can you help me with a computer problem? Wally: People usually don't ask me for help. Carol: Why is that? Wally: You'll find out. Carol: I can't log in to the server. Wally: I'll need to ask you a few questions. Have you ever eaten food near your computer. Carol: Um... Yes. Wally: That's your problem. Wally: Your crumbs are causing crosstalk on the protocols. Carol: Is this why no one asks you for help? Wally: It's in the top ten.

Award For Cutting Costs

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Award For Cutting Costs - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 23, 2018's comic on:


Tags #ceo, #award, #cutting, #costs, #department, #underfunded, #losers, #awards, #help

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CEO: I am proud to give you this award for cutting costs more than any other department. Dilbert: All of our projects failed because they are underfunded. CEO: How do you put up with these losers? The Boss: The awards help.

Helping Ted

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Helping Ted - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 19, 2019's comic on:


Tags #engineering, #frustration, #help, #office, #office workers

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Boss: I need you to help Ted on his project. He seems to be struggling. Dilbert: That would doom two projects - mine would suffer from neglect, and Ted would re-bungle anything I fix. Boss: Maybe Ted can help you on your project. Dilbert: Gaaaaa!!!