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Dilbert walks into a meeting and asks, "Who called this meeting?" The male coworker replies, "We thought you did." The coworker continues, "I think we should discuss issues and assign tasks so it's not a complete waste of time." Dilbert responds, "Maybe meetings have become a lifeform capable of calling themselves and thus reproducing via human hosts." The male coworker turns to the female coworker and says, "Good issue." She replies, "Wow!"
Alice asks The Boss, "How about any Tuesday this year?" The Boss replies, "No, I'm booked." Alice says, "You have the highest ratio of unavailability to usefulness I've ever seen." The Boss asks Catbert, "Does that sound like an insult?" Catbert replies, "If I could do math I wouldn't be working in human resources."
Headline: Demoted. The Boss says to Wally, "I plan to spread rumors about our new boss until I'm fired." The Boss continues, "I'll tell everyone that he's the most clueless human that ever lived. Hee hee!" Wally responds, "Believe me, that doesn't work." The Boss says, "I have no idea what you're talking about."
Roboboss and Alice are at dinner. Alice says, "Roboboss, can this relationship work? After all, I'm a human.." Alice continues, "And you're a soulless machine designed to give shallow compliments to employees." Roboboss says, "You're giving 110%." Alice replies, "Stop.. don't make me love you."
Catbert is sitting on The Boss' desk. Catbert says to The Boss, "I'm tired of calling the employees 'Resources.' It's too complimentary." Catbert continues, "I'm thinking of something along the lines of livestock or human capital." The Boss responds, "I don't want them demanding hay." Catbert says, "Good point. We'll go with human capital."
Dilbert hands a piece of paper to The Garbageman and asks, "Does my latest assignment look impossible?" The Garbageman reads the paper and replies, "Let's see... You'd need to slow the speed of light, and perfect the art of human cloning..." Dilbert asks, "So there's hope?" The Garbageman responds, "Eliminate gravity, stop the sun, reanimate the dead."
The Boss addresses a meeting, "Human Resources is sending a designated firer to do layoffs." The Boss turns quickly and waves his hands in an employee's face. The Boss says, "If a stranger approaches your cubicle, it means you're toast!" The employee exclaims, "Gaaa!!!" A hooded weasel with a knife approaches Carol. He says, "Hell-o-o-o, Carol." He pauses and then continues, "Can you tell me where Ted sits?" Carol exclaims, "Gaaa!!"
Dilbert approaches a receptionist and says, "I have an appointment to see a demo of your new product." The salesman holds up a box and says to Dilbert, "And the unit will be in a case like this, but completely different, and it will have software, once we write it." Dilbert holds the box and says, "You let me travel four hours to see an empty case?" The salesman replies, "Are you forgetting the blank CD?"
The Boss asks a salesman, "How often would you charge us this 'annual fee?'" The salesman replies, "Is that a joke?" Alice responds, "Sadly, no." The salesman says to The Boss, "Once a month." The Boss replies, "Sounds fair."
Catbert: Evil director of Human Resources. "What kind of severance package do I get?" "I can't decide if I should laugh or purr, but there's definitely spittle in your future." "This is a bad package." "PURRRR-HA-HA HA-PURRRRR-HA HA-PURRRR!!!"