The department of education asked us to talk to you about all of your tweeting.
You tweeted so much fake news that the average I.Q. in the country plunged seven points.
That doesn't hurt anyone.
You tweeted "seat belts are designed to strangle survivors so they won't sue."
alice: i need a new chair. mine is broken.
the boss: you can use my old chair. i just got a new one.
alice: the chair you sat in every day for the past twelve years?
alice: by now that chair cushion is home to a thriving colony of your cooties.
alice: that chair will be off--gassing you for decades.
alice: i wouldn't touch that thing unless i were wearing a hazmat suit over my other hazmat suit.
alice: i'm breaking into a flop sweat just thinking about it, and i think it's triggering my allergies.
the boss: would you like to borrow my hand-kerchief?
alice is visually in a daze.