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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 29, 1994's comic on:


Tags #new strategy, #tech support, #that customers, #user manual, #defective products

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The Boss: Our new strategy is to make defective products and charge for technical support. Heh- heh ...our user manual is totally incomprehensible. we didn't plan it that way - we were lucky, Dilbert: Im so proud to be here. The Boss: It all came together when I realized I hate our customers.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 09, 1995's comic on:


Tags #fourth day, #telecommuting, #clothes useless, #struck by question, #monkeys, #beards, #discuss issue, #attendance low, #around table, #introduce

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Dilbert sits at his desk at home. He is naked. He types in his daily log, "On my forth day of telecommuting I realize that clothes are totally unnecessary." Dilbert strokes his unshaven face and thinks, "Hey!" The log reads, "Suddenly I am struck by a question: why don't monkeys grow beards?" The log reads, "I call a meeting to discuss the issue but attendance is low." Dilbert sits at a conference table with Ratbert. Dilbert reads from a document, "Issue one: monkey beards." Ratbert says, "Let's go around the table and introduce ourselves."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 07, 1995's comic on:


Tags #improve career, #ceo, #refer first name, #recent meeting, #rule, #iron fist, #funny dog

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Dilbert and Dogbert are sitting on the couch. Dogbert says, "Try this little trick to improve your career . . ." Dogbert continues, "Anytime you want something your way, simply refer to your CEO by his first name and say he gave you directions during your very recent meeting." Dogbert continues, "It's totally unverifiable. People will fear you and do as you say. You'll rule with an iron fist!" Dilbert responds, "You're a funny little dog."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 07, 1995's comic on:


Tags #ignored recommendations, #inadequate, #make system work, #saving money, #get fired

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Dilbert stands in front of the Boss's desk and says, "So, you ignored my recommendation and bought a low-cost system that's totally inadequate . . ." Dilbert holds up a document and continues, "You compensated for this blunder by making it part of MY objectives to make the system work . . ." Dilbert concludes, "You'll get a bonus for saving money. I'll get fired, thus saving more money and earning you ANOTHER bonus." The Boss replies, "I'm on a roll."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 16, 1990's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #express lane, #grocery, #store, #woman, #old women

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Dilbert stands in the express line at the supermarket. The cashier says to the old woman in front of Dilbert, "This looks like a lot more than ten items, ma'am." The woman replies, "It doesn't matter. I'm old and you must do as I say." The woman continues, "I have some coupons for totally unrelated products and a fourth-party personal check from North Yemen." The woman reaches into her purse and says, "They're hopelessly lost in my bag. I'll rummage while you all wait." As she rummages, her head disappears into the bag. She says, "What the . . ." The store clerk watches as the woman screams and falls into the pocketbook. The clerk tells Dilbert, "Wild coyotes in the handbag . . . I've seen this before." A dog barks and burps inside the bag.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 23, 1990's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #Dogbert, #procedures, #rules, #unmanageable, #interactions, #request, #additional, #Food, #p-39, #liquids

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Dilbert tells Dogbert, "I've decided we need more structure in this household." Dilbert continues, "Things are out of control . . . We have no procedures . . . No rules . . . It's totally unmanageable." Dilbert points to a file cabinet and continues, "That's why I've developed a set of forms to guide our daily interactions." Dilbert continues, "For example, this P-38 form is a request for additional food." Dilbert continues, "The P-39 is for liquids and the P-40 is a convenient way to request both food and liquids." Dogbert says, "Give me a P-39 form . . . I'm a little dry." Later, Dogbert hands Dilbert the form and says, "Under 'purpose for distribution' I put 'thirsty.' I hope that's right." Dilbert writes on the form and says, "Request denied . . . You used an outdated form."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 11, 1996's comic on:


Tags #vending machine, #stole money, #sentenced to death, #director human resources, #desensitized, #tragic news, #execution is scheduled

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Dilbert arrives at home carrying a briefcase. Dogbert sits on the couch reading the newspaper. Dilbert says to Dogbert, "Today was a bad day. First the vending machine stole my money . . ." Dilbert continues, ". . . And by the end of the day I had been sentenced to death by the director of human resources . . ." Dogbert reads and hums as he ignores Dilbert. Still reading the paper, Dogbert says, "I've become totally desensitized to tragic news!" Dilbert says, "The execution is scheduled for tomorrow. I should call in sick."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 23, 1996's comic on:


Tags #direct flight, #aisle seat, #upgrade, #first class, #overhead bin, #north korea, #non smoking, #anti aircraft fire

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Dilbert sits at his desk and says into the telephone, "I'd like a direct flight . . . Aisle seat . . . And an upgrade to first class if possible." The airline ticket agent replies, "The best I can do is to put you in an overhead luggage bin . . . With one stop in North Korea." Dilbert asks, "Is it non-smoking?" The ticket salesperson replies, "That depends on how accurate the anti-aircraft fire is."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 25, 1997's comic on:


Tags #frazzled, #meet deadlines, #all day meeting off site, #theroy, #more time to explin

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Dilbert tells the Boss, "I'm totally frazzled. There simply isn't enough time in the day to meet my upcoming deadlines." Dilbert's hair and clothes are disheveled. The Boss says, "Let's have an all-day meeting off-site so I can explain why the deadlines are so important." Dilbert says, "So, your theory is that I'll have more time in the day if you explain something I already know?" The Boss replies, "I don't have a lot of tools here."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 05, 1992's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #the boss, #company, #survey, #attitudes, #anonymous, #retribution, #dog eared, #phone, #Number, #confidential, #green, #pen, #marker, #eskimo, #objectives

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Dilbert sits at his desk. The Boss enters and says, "Dilbert, do you have a minute?" The Boss continues, "The company is doing an survey of employee attitudes about their bosses." The Boss continues, "It's totally anonymous, so you don't have to fear any retribution." The Boss opens an envelope and says, "Oops! It looks like your questionnaire is a bit dog-eared." The Boss continues, "I'll put my phone number on the confidential envelope in case you need me." The Boss hands Dilbert a pen and says, "You can use this green marker pen." The Boss adds, "Oh, and I took the liberty of checking off your ethnic background as Eskimo. It's just a statistical thing." Dilbert reads, "1. Does your boss clearly communicate your objectives?"