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The Boss: My management philosophy is 'measure' twice, cut once. Dilbert: That only makes sense in a narrow, and generally archaic, set of conditions. In software development, the item being cut, metaphorically speaking, is often plentiful and inexpensive. In many cases, the cost of measuring incorrectly is low compared to the time wasted doing two measurements before every action. Your philosophy is better suited for rock carving than web design. Do you have any wise sayings that involve churning your own butter, or putting saddles on dinosaurs?" The Boss: Don't bite the hand that feeds you. Dilbert: I have direct deposit."
Wally is walking past Alice's cubicle. Alice calls out, "You're coming to work at nine-thirty?" Alice walks over to Wally and says, "By the time you get your coffee and get your bagel, it'll be ten o'clock!" Alice continues, "I started at six! I've already worked for four hours, and I'll probably stay late!" Alice continues, "Over the course of a lifetime, I'll work twice as much as you!" Alice realizes, "But... we'll be paid the same... and we'll both die anyway." Alice continues, "So.. I guess what you're saying is that you're smarter than I am." Alice yells, "I curse the casual brilliance of your life strategy!!!" Wally walks away and thinks, "My bagel will be extra tasty today."
Boss: We discovered that our product name is an insult in the Elbonian language. So I hired an Elbonian to review our new choices. Elbonian: Gaaa!!! You have offended Bixtappa, the deity of unseasonably warm weather and twice-baked potatoes. Our tradition says I must now strangle you with a mud adder. Luckily, I brought one. Dilbert: Do Elbonians have a lot of deities? Elbonian: No, just the one. Dilbert: He seems easily offended. Elbonian: Grab the head and yank!
Dilbert: Can I take my vacation next week? Boss: Fine. Just work twice as hard this week to get everything done before you leave. Dilbert: In that case, I prefer not taking a vacation at all. Boss: It's starting to look as if nothing can make you happy.
Boss: You don't look productive. Wally: I'm on a conference call. Boss: Maybe you should be in your cubicle listening to it. Wally: Nah. They aren't saying anything important. Boss: Maybe they will. Wally: Optimism sounds exhausting.
Alice: I'm trying to turn myself into a morning person so I can be more productive. I've been getting up at 4:30 every day, and so far, so good. Dilbert: So... no problems at all? Alice: Nothing huge. I've brushed my teeth with face cream a few times.
Boss: Did you finish the website I asked you to make for my side business? Dilbert: No, because you keep me busy 100 percent of the time in my regular job. Boss: Hey, it isn't easy asking for twice as many status updates either.
Catbert: All job applicants must take the Catbert personality test to see how well they will fit into our culture. Studies show the test is twice as reliable as using astrology alone. Man: Astrology has zero reliability. Catbert: You're not a good fit.
asok: i finished my project in half the projected time. boss: that means i'm paying you twice as much as you deserve. asok: i don't think it means that at all. boss: you look dumb arguing with math.