dilbert wearing face mask: what college did you go to?
colleague wearing face mask: i'd rather not say.
dilbert: the only people who answer that way are people who went to harvard. do they teach you false modesty?
colleague: it was my major.
dilbert: are you listening to me? it looks as if you are using your phone.
boss: i can do two things at once.
dilbert: i'll bet you can't even hear me, you ridiculous moron.
boss: uh-huh uh-huh go on.
dilbert: you smell like old socks, and your brain is made of cheese.
boss: dilbert can answer any of your questions, but i have another meeting.
dilbert: not really. i have no involvement in the project. he just told me to follow him to this room.
co-worker: well, this is awkward.
dilbert: how about i go to the restroom and never come back?
wally: did you hear ted took a selfie with a wild bear?
dilbert: wow. where can i see that picture?
wally: you'd need to ask the bear. it didn't go well.
dilbert: i got feedback on the proposed package design. our vp of sales says if we go with this design, he will "jump off the roof."
alice: is he crazy or just good at selling?
dilbert: no way to tell.
Carol: that stupid coronavirus is no match for a healthy, young leader such as yourself. freedom demands that you go to crowded indoor places without wearing your mask.
boss: are you trying to kill me?
carol: i'd say there's reasonable doubt.
wally: that slide deck in yesterday's meeting was lethally boring. luckily, all of my training kicked in.
dilbert: and that training taught you to...?
wally: go to the bathroom and never return.
dilbert in control room with others: we've triple-checked all systems, and we are ready to launch the satellite. nothing can go wrong. initiating launch.
boss: nothing can go wrong? what if an alien spaceship appears over the launch site?
dilbert: gaaa!!! don't jinx us.
boss: that's not how reality works. i can't make things happen just by suggesting them.
dilbert: you're wrong! that is exactly how reality works!
wa;;y: something just appeared on radar directly above the rockets trajectory.
boss: maybe it's a bird.
wally: it's the size of belgium.
wally to boss and dilbert: sorry i'm late. my alarm didn't go off because my town lost power and my phone battery died. and we lost power because the state closed down the lost coal power plant to reduce co2 emissions. so really, the fault lies with climate change, not me.
dilbert: (slow clap)
dogbert: you should hire a ghostwriter to write your autobiography.
dilbert: that's dumb. a ghost's fingers would go right through the keyboard.
dogbert: then how do their clothes stay on?
dilbert: fair point.
