New Employee Comic Strips - Page 64
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1000 Results for New Employee
View 631 - 640 results for new employee comic strips. Discover the best "New Employee" comics from Dilbert.com.
Sunday March 04,
2018
Tags add code, corporate scamming, darkest day, designed new prodcut, draft apology, engineering success, make unrelaible, no upgarde, press release, ten years
Transcript
Dilbert: Ive designed our new product to work flawlessly for up to ten years. CEO: No one will need an upgrade. Thats no good. Add some code to low it down and make it unreliable after two years. CEO: But make sure the device doesn't slow down until we have an upgrade to sell. Then draft an apology I can put un a press realize when we get caught. Dilbert: You have turned my engineering success into the darkest day of my career. CEO: Thats not even close to being true. Your darkest day will be when the press figures out what we did and I fore you for it.
Thursday August 09,
2018
History Doesn't Repeat
Tags Dilbert, ted, plan, solution, thinking, history, new
Transcript
Ted: Your plan is dumb because it reminds me of something different that didn't work out. Dilbert: Being reminded of unrelated things is not a form of thinking. Ted: History repeats. Dilbert: Then how does something new ever happen?
Tuesday August 14,
2018
Dilbert Offers To Help
Tags Dilbert, help, project, sucker, woman employee
Transcript
Dilbert: Our pointy-haired boss asked me to help you on your project. Woman Employee: Yes!! My dream of getting paid while other people do my work is becoming a reality! Dilbert: I might have played this wrong. Woman employee: Sucker!
Friday August 17,
2018
Answering Questions In Email
Tags Dilbert, male employee, email, questions
Transcript
Male Employee: Why did you only answer one of my seven questions in my email? Dilbert: I'm penalizing you for asking too many questions in a long rambling email. Male employee: Jerk. Dilbert: That'll cost you three questions.
Wednesday August 22,
2018
Jerry The Contract Employee
Tags threat, Dilbert, the boss, jerry, contract, zebra, agile
Transcript
The Boss: This is Jerry the contract employee. I hired him to work on project zebra. Dilbert: We haven't even defined the project. How did you know what skills we needed? The Boss: Why are you so threatened by jerry? Jerry: He's not very agile.
Sunday September 16,
2018
Tags Dilbert, employee, calendar, week, awkward, problem, schedule, relative, lunch, sandwich
Transcript
Male Employee: Do you have an hour to meet next week? Dilbert: Let me check my calendar. Next week is not good. Male Employee: You don't have one hour of free time all week? Dilbert: Well, this is awkward. The problem isn't my schedule so much as your total lack of value relative to my alternatives. Male Employee: Maybe we could meet over lunch? Dilbert: I like to focus on my sandwich.
Tuesday January 01,
2019
New Year's Day
Tags holidays, new year's day, sarcasm
Transcript
Dilbert: Happy random calendar date. I'll be celebrating by doing nothing fun or useful all day because everything is closed. Dogbert: You could visit your mom. Dilbert: How's that different from what I just said?
Tuesday January 29,
2019
New Forms
Tags business, money, office, office workers, efficiency
Transcript
Dilbert: Did you approve my budget request? Boss: No, you used the old form. Dilbert: Do we have new forms? Boss: In hindsight, we should have funded the creation of new budget request forms before we made the old ones obsolete.
Tuesday March 05,
2019
Asok's Employee Engagement
Tags employees, managers & supervisors, office workers, work, attitude, expectations
Transcript
Boss: Asok, your employee engagement has been a bit soft this quarter. I expect a higher level of irrational enthusiasm for the endless string of thankless tasks you call your job. Asok: How's this? Boss: I also want to see an unnatural preference for work over leisure.
Wednesday March 06,
2019
Employee Engagement Is Up
Tags employees, managers & supervisors, obliviousness, questions, data, measurement
Transcript
Boss: And I've improved employee engagement by nineteen percent. CEO: What is employee engagement? Boss: I'm not entirely sure. CEO: Then how do you measure it? Boss: Honestly, I wasn't expecting a lot of questions.

