Time Comic Strips - Page 65

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View 641 - 650 results for time comic strips. Discover the best "Time" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags depressed, dilbert and mother, disengaged with son, engage, incompetence, life is a joke, monkeys, talk, work, no punchline, lifeguards

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Dilmom: How is work Dilbert? Dilbert: Well, mom...I'm like a fly stuck in a thick tar of despair. Incompetence hangs in the air like the cold stench of death. I'm drowning, and monkeys dressed as lifeguards are throwing me anvils. My job has convinced me that life is a stale joke with no punch line. I long for the comfort of the grave. Dilmom: Next time just say 'it's fine. Dilbert: I enjoy our talks. Dilmom: It's fine.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags 300 iq, immortality drug, impossible requirements, job interview, nobel peace prize, time machine, too old, two centuires, unix

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Old Man;I have all of the job requirements you're looking for." "I have an I.Q. of 300 several nobel prizes, and two centuries of unix experience, thanks to the time machine and immortality drug I invented. Catbert: That's a lot of words for 'too old.'"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags online budget approval, process making changes, classes, approval process, budget varience, broken system, charges, cubicle, billable project, exaggerating accomplishments

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Dilbert: Out online budget approval system isn't working. There's a process for making changes to the system, but I don't know it. I could take a class to learn the process, but there's also a process for approving classes. I could learn the process for approving classes, but I'd still need approval for a budget variance to take the class. And I can't get that because the online budget approval system is broken. I can't even have this conversation because it will make me charge too much of my engineering time to administrative overhead. So I'll go sit in my cubicle and pretend to be thinking about a billable project. It looks like I'll be exaggerating my accomplishments again this year.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags archaic sayings, bite the hand, cost of measuring, direct deposit, measuring incorrectly, rock carving, software development, web design, wise sayings

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The Boss: My management philosophy is 'measure' twice, cut once. Dilbert: That only makes sense in a narrow, and generally archaic, set of conditions. In software development, the item being cut, metaphorically speaking, is often plentiful and inexpensive. In many cases, the cost of measuring incorrectly is low compared to the time wasted doing two measurements before every action. Your philosophy is better suited for rock carving than web design. Do you have any wise sayings that involve churning your own butter, or putting saddles on dinosaurs?" The Boss: Don't bite the hand that feeds you. Dilbert: I have direct deposit."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags late, twice late, forgot watch, emailed, flip it

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Tina: You're late, as always. Dilbert: You mean twice. If you include the time you forgot to set your watch back an hour. And this time when you e-mailed the wrong start time? Tina: Oh, look how you try and flip it around!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags date, stories of woe, no tv or internet, carving canoe, woman runs out

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My cable system wasn't working last night. I didn't have TV or internet. Dilbert: So I stared at the wall until it was time for bed. I considered carving a canoe out of a tree trunk, but it seemed like a lot of work. Woman: Check!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags project, customer calls, can't deliver on time, features needed, getting waterboarded, birthday, price went up

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Dilbert: My project is on hold. Do you need any help on yours? Alice: Sure. Call these customers and tell them we can't deliver on time or with the features they need. Dilbert: Do you have any tasks that don't feel like getting waterboarded on your birthday? Alice: And tell them the price went up."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags 25 questions, before start, bluff, didn't send email, email, excuses, lies to boss, non responsive, slacker, standoff

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Wally: I planned to be productive this week. I sent you an e-mail with 25 questions I need answered before I can start on my project. I waited patiently while your non-responsiveness crushed my hopes and dreams. The Boss: I don't have time to answer 25 questions! Wally: Well then, it appears we are at a standoff. The Boss: Okay, okay! I'll work all weekend answering your stupid questions!!! Wally: That's great, unless you can't find the e-mail I sent. Dilbert: Did you really send an e-mail?" Wally: That's not how I roll.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags advice to intern, don't finish on deadline, freedom, overworked, less time, nitpick

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wally: Heed my advice, young Asok. Only an idiot finishes a project before the deadline. The less time you give people to nitpick. The more time you have to pretend you are overworked." Freedom is just another word for people finding out you're useless.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags due diligence, hidden issues, bad time, human buns

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The Boss says, "Dilbert, I need you to handle the due diligence for our alliance with the galactic protein corporation." The Boss says, "Find out if they have any hidden issues we should know about." Dilbert says, "Is this a bad time?" Human Buns