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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 05, 2004's comic on:


Tags #product development, #two thirds, #Features, #reduce scope, #change request, #stacks of paper, #mean, #unethical, #passive agressive

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Dilbert: Our budget won't cover all of the product development. We can only do two thirds of the features for that amount. The Boss: reduce the scope of the project by one third. Dilbert: Okay. The boss: but theoretically.... Dilbert: No...dear lord, no. The boss: Id I later give you a change request to add one feature could you do it for the same budget. Dilbert One? sure. DATA GOES IN : MANAGEMENT COMES OUT. One sure changes are free, Carol: where do I put the change requests?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 03, 2004's comic on:


Tags #sublet space, #business case, #risks and drivers, #changed mind

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Dilbert: "We only have two people on the third floor. Let's move them to our empty cubes here and sublet the space." The Boss: "Write a business case with all the risks and business drivers and I'll consider it." Dilbert: "I changed my mind. We shouldn't so anything." The boss: "I need a business case for that, too."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 28, 2003's comic on:


Tags #hired wife, #mean, #condescending, #slave driver, #obnoxious

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The Boss: "I hired my wife to be our new receptionist." Boss: "I foresee no problems whatsoever." Wife: "Hey, Dipweed!" "Go buy me a bagel and a cappuccino." "Then wash my car and fill the gas tank." "NOW DANCE FOR ME, LITTLE MAN! HA HA! DANCE OR I'LL HAVE YOU FIRED!!!" "How may I help you? Have a nice day!" The boss: "Stop dancing in the lobby. My wife is trying to work."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 01, 2003's comic on:


Tags #too much work, #give too much work, #blame others, #angry, #its all you!

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"Alice, your problem is that you take on too much work." "The problem is that you GIVE me too much work!" "Your second problem is that you blame others, and your third problem is that you're always angry." "GAAA!! IT'S ALL YOU!!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 09, 2003's comic on:


Tags #management retreat, #hawaii, #how many employees, #down size, #pay of trip, #against helicopter ride

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The boss: "The management retreat in Hawaii was productive." "We calculated how many employees we needed to downsize to pay for the trip." Ted: "Don't blame me, Ted. I voted against the third helicopter ride."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 26, 2003's comic on:


Tags #engineer, #moved to marketing, #lisa, #old apple computer, #old wife, #engineering

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Man: I was an engineer before I moved to marketing. Now I don't remember how to turn on my lisa, Dilbert: You have an old lisa computer from apple? Man: Old wife.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 22, 2003's comic on:


Tags #construction bid, #award for job, #team of skilled craftmen, #ex wife, #truck on fire

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Dilbert holds a piece of paper and says, "Your construction bid is the lowest so I have to award you the job." Dilbert asks, "When can your team of highly skilled craftsmen begin?" The beaver responds, "I'll call you." The beaver is leaning over a huge book titled, "Excuses." He says into the telephone, "Day one: My ex-wife set my truck on fire."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 10, 2002's comic on:


Tags #red color, #presentation, #yellow, #set standards, #background colors, #metero, #pointy haired, #managing nitwits, #ear hole

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Dilbert points to a slide and says, "And then I would end the presentation with this." The Boss is sitting next to two other pointy-haired people. He says, "Whoa! I don't like the look of that background color." The Boss continues, "Red says danger. We don't want to scare our customers." Dilbert responds, "Um.. okay. How about yellow?" The second pointy-haired person says, "Yellow? Are we saying we're cowards?" The third pointy-haired person says, "What we need is a committee to set some standards for background colors." Dilbert responds, "What we need is a meteor to pulverize you three pointy- haired, micro-managing nitwits." After the meeting, Wally asks Dilbert, "If you didn't move your mouth, how did it get out?" Dilbert responds, "It came out of my ear hole."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 31, 2002's comic on:


Tags #evolving zit, #third eye, #cosmic reasons, #dinosaur, #topical antibiotics, #tivo

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The Bullysaur says to Bob, "Hello, Bob. I hear you're evolving a zit into a third eye, trying to get an advantage." Bob responds, "Gaaa!! No, it's only for cosmetic reasons, I swear!!" The Bullysaur mutters, "Hmm..." Dogbert and Dilbert are on the couch. Bob's voice is heard, "Gaaa!!" Dogbert asks Dilbert, "Wanna watch a dinosaur be forced to use topical antibiotics?" Dilbert responds, "No, I have 'TIVO.'"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 30, 2002's comic on:


Tags #punctuated equilibrium, #third eye, #natural advantage, #dinosaurs, #enemies, #ziteye

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Bob says to Dogbert, "I plan to use punctuated equilibrium to turn this zit into a third eye." Dogbert replies, "That's not a natural advantage. You'd better stay away from the fitter dinosaurs." Bob says, "Ha ha! My only enemies are Bullysaurs and they..." A Bullysaur sneaks up behind Bob and calls out, "Hey, zit eye!"