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The product review board approved your business case for the government mandate. "Diversity is very important to this company." "What do you think 'government mandate' means?" "I've seen the way the mailman looks at me."
"I want you to write a business case for lobbying our government to attack Elbonia." "In the risk analysis section, do you want me to assume that hell is real or imaginary?" "Real. But remember to discount the infinite future flows of agony to the present so it doesn't look so bad."
Dogbert the Lobbyist "For a million dollars I can have the government include your industrial waste in the recommended food pyramid." "For another million I'll have Congress authorize huge tax breaks for soulless, Blackberry-using weasels with coffee breath." "I just want to hug you!" "That's another million."
Dogbert: You're in luck. I've lobbied the governments of several countries to attack your country and liberate you and your oil. Man: We're already a democratic country! You're confusing us with North Elbonia! Dogbert: For a nitpicker, you sure dress poorly.
Boss: How do you feel when I give you positive feedback? Alice: Underpaid. Boss: How do you feel when I give you negative feedback? Alice: Underappreciated. Boss: Then what motivates you? Alice: The government makes rectangular pieces of paper.
Boss: Carol, I can't give you a raise this year because you didn't show enough initiative. Carol: I just formed a grass-roots movement to convince the government to raise taxes on people at your income level. Checkmate. Boss: That can't be legal.
The Boss says, "I can't tell the difference between urban legends and reality." Doctor says, "I'll need your social security number so I can tell the government not to count any votes you cast." The Boss says, "You can do that?" Doctor says, "Here're some pills that look exactly like tic tacs."
The Boss says, "Was it human error?" Dilbert says, "I doubt it" Dilbert says, "No human would be that stupid. My best guess is that a cabbage got access to your computer." The Boss says, "Cabbbages can't use computers." Dilbert says, "Can they tell when they're being mocked?"
Dogbert the CEO Dogbert says, "I'm happy to announce that the government gave us a bailout loan of $25 billion." Dogbert says, "I'm even happier to announce that I kept the entire amount for my bonus." Dogbert says, "Who wants to see a picture of my island fortress?"
The boss says, "We won a huge government contract." The boss says, "Now we need to follow all of our company policies plus every government procurement rule." Dilbert says, "I feel like I'm being smothered by a damp mattress!" The boss says, "That's what victory feels like!"