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The Boss: Sue was hired to run our new dignity enhancement program. Her charter is to help the employees feel good about themselves while they work harder for less money. Dilbert: How can we afford to hire somebody new? The Boss: Do you remember those cow orders you used to have?
Wally hands a piece of paper to Dilbert and says, "Be at the 'United Charity' kickoff tomorrow." While Dilbert reads the paper Wally says, "I hired a headless man to be our inspirational speaker." Wally, Sally and the Boss are seated and a headless man stands in front of them with a microphone, making a speech. The headless man says, ". . . and that's how 'United Charity' game me back my dignity. Any questions?" The Boss raises his hand and asks, "How do you show up on a headcount report?"
Dogbert stands on a desk and tells the Boss, "I hired a new director of Human Resources to handle the downsizing." Dogbert continues, "I needed somebody who acts like a friend but secretly delights in the misery of all people." Catbert stands on a monitor and says to an employee, "We need to talk, Paul. But first I'm going to bat your head around and scratch you." Paul responds, "Hee hee!! That's so cute!"
Dilbert says to the Boss, "My salary depends on your opinion of my work. But you have no interest in understanding what I do, so . . ." Dogbert enters carrying a briefcase. Dilbert gestures toward him and says, "I hired the Dogbert Public Relations Firm to hype my performance and get me a big raise." Dogbert hands the Boss a document and says, "Press release: engineer cures cancer while saving baby from burning building." The Boss says, "That's not in his objectives."
The Boss, Wally, Dilbert, Dogbert and Alice sit around a conference table. The Boss says, "I hired renowned psychologist Dogbert to help us achieve peak performance in teamwork." Dogbert says, "Peak performance is somewhat relative. You're a highly dysfunctional team, so we must set realistic goals." The Boss asks, "What would be a realistic goal for us?" Dogbert answers, "I think I can postpone cannibalism."
The Boss tells Dilbert and several co-workers, "I've hired a consultant to clarify our company policy on discrimination." Dogbert says, "It is against policy to discriminate based on race, sex, age, handicap or religion." A man raises his hand and asks, "Does that include unpopular, little religions?" Dogbert replies, "No, those are considered cults; you may discriminate freely against them." A woman raises her hand and asks, "What about short, bald, fat, ugly men? Are they considered 'handicapped'?" Dogbert replies, "Technically, no. You can still tease them and deny them promotions as usual." Dogbert continues, "Likewise, you may discriminate against nerds, smokers, and single people." Dogbert continues, "And we've dropped 'stupid people' from the watch list, as their lobbying efforts proved ineffective . . ."
The Boss, Dogbert, Dilbert, Wally and Alice sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "I hired the 'Dogbert Consulting Company' to lead the project because none of you is bright enough." Dilbert looks angry. The Boss continues, "And you all have bad attitudes for no apparent reason; that's no way to be a leader." Wally asks, "Shall we go around the table and introduce ourselves?" Dogbert replies, "I don't get chummy with the locals."
The Boss appears in the door of Alice's cubicle and says, "Alice, you've been working eighteen hours a day. I realized I must add a person to the effort." The Boss continues, "So I hired a night shift manager. After I go home at five o'clock he'll take over and ask why you're behind schedule." The night shift manager says to Alice, "I like my status reports rendered in 3-D, but don't spend a lot of time on it."
Dogbert stands on the chair armrest and tells Dilbert, "I got hired as the network administrator for your company." Dogbert says, "Here's my card. You can only reach me by e-mail or by pager." Dogbert continues, "When the network breaks, no e-mail. I'll just sit around and wag my tail." Dilbert looks at the business card and says, "Your pager number has a tilde . . . How do I dial a tilde?"