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Wally tells Alice, "I've decided to start smoking. I'll be able to take more breaks that way." Wally continues, "And frankly, I'm hoping it will add an interesting edge to my personality and help me socially." Alice reaches into a box. Wally continues, "Not that I need any help." Alice says, "I can only pray that your personal magnetism won't erase my hard drive."
Carol, the Boss's secretary, tells him, "I need my own secretary. I'm too busy to help you unless I get some support." The Boss replies, "Too busy? You haven't done any work for me in six months." Carol says, "Oh, suddenly this is about YOU?"
Dilbert tells Dogbert, "I need your help to negotiate with my boss for more telecommuting days." Dogbert replies, "I'm too logical to be a good negotiator. You need someone who is relentlessly irrational." Dilbert tells Ratbert, "Dogbert says you're an excellent negotiator, Ratbert." Ratbert shouts, "I'm insulted!!"
Dogbert sits in a chair at a financial planner's office. The planner says, "We can handle your investments so you can retire and live off the earnings." The planners holds a long contract that covers his desk. He says, "Just sign this incomprehensible contract, hand all your money to total strangers and relax!" Dogbert's ears fly up as he looks at the contract. The planners says, "We'll need to know what your tolerance for risk is." Dogbert says, "I think I just maxed out."
Alice is angry and walks away from Mordac. She says, "I'm not using reverse psychology! I really don't need anything from the information technology department." Mordac follows. Mordac shakes his fist and says, "Curse you! You know our goal is to give you the opposite of what you want. If you want nothing, we must give you everything!" Dilbert stands behind Alice at her computer. He clasps his hands together and begs, "Please tell me how you got them to do this." Alice's computer is heaped with gadgets: satelitte dish, hard drives, video cameroas, modems, etc. Alice says, 'Watch me launch the space shuttle!"
Dilbert sits on the couch. Dogbert says, "I'm starting a mutual fund for investors who aren't bright enough to know their alternatives." Dogbert says, "It must be a huge market. Otherwise most people would invest in index funds." Dilbert asks, "What's an index fund?" Dogbert wags his tail and says, "Ouch, ouch!! You're making me wag too hard!"
Alice says to Wally and Dilbert, "I discoverd that our pointy-haired boss doesn't know he's being insulted if you say, 'With all due respect' first." Wally thinks, "I love the intangible benefits of this job." The Boss is leaving his office. Wally says to him, "With all due respect, is that your face or is a monkey climbing down your shirt headfirst?"
The Boss says to Dilbert, "We need COBOL programmers for our mainframe millenium problem." The Boss says, "If you see anyone that looks like a COBOL programmer, let me know." Dilbert says, "Turn around." Bob the dinosaur is walking around the corner. The Boss says to Bob, "Are you a COBOL programmer?" Bob says, "No, but I'm often told I look like one." The Boss says, "You're hired."
Dilbert is in The Boss's office. He holds some files and says, "I need help on the assignment that you said is a 'no brainer.'" The Boss says, "It's easy. Just skip the 'interface design' phase and make everything beige. You can't go wrong with beige." Dilbert walks away thinking, "I always know where to go for no-brainer decisions."
Dilbert sees a sign that says "Bungee Jump 10 dollars." He thinks, "It's the manly thing to do." Dilbert enters the office and says, "I'd like to expose myself to avoidable danger." A man says, "Sit right down." The man says, "I need to know your weight so I can adjust the bungee cord." The man says, "Be sure you don't under-estimate your weight or else your head will hit the ground like an over-ripe cantaloupe." Dilbert answers, "Seven hundred pounds." The man wraps a bungee cord around Dilbert's body and head. He says, "Count to three and jump." Dilbert and the man stand on a hill. Dilbert says, "I didn't know you could do this on a hill." The man kicks Dilbert. Dilbert lies face-down on the hill. He says, "Today, I am a man." The man says, "For a hundred bucks I'll pull you back."