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Coworker: Can you come to my meeting at 8am tomorrow? Dilbert: No. I reserve the first few hours of every morning for useful work. Coworker: That feels like an insult. Dilbert: I call it good time management. There's a lot of overlap.
Tags #laziness, #office workers, #encouragement, #career plans, #misjudge, #5 year plan, #legacy sytems, #retirement, #projects, #protect heart, #plenty of naps, #quality of work, #pension fund, #new career plan
Catbert: Wally, you can't float through life with no goals and no ambition. Wally: You misjudge me. I have my entire career planned out. My five-year plan is to avoid any sort of work in which my individual accomplishments can be measured. I'll hoard knowledge about one of our legacy systems so I seem indispensable. When I get to within four years of retirement, I'll only work on projects that have a five-year payback. I'll protect my cardiovascular system by getting plenty of naps and not caring about the quality of my work. Then I'll stick a straw in our pension fund and suck on it for the next forty years. Boss: Did you get him straightened out? Catbert: No, but I got a new career plan for myself.
Dilbert points to a telephone on the desk and says to Dogbert, "This is the new 'hot line' phone to the Kremlin. My company won the bid to engineer the new model." Dilbert says as he walks away, "That's a fully functional prototype, so don't mess with it." Dogbert picks up the phone and says, "So, Gorby, I understand you've been finger-painting with your forehead . . ."
The caption says, "Dogbert plays a reckless prank with Dilbert's prototype 'hot line' to the Kremlin." Dogbert sits at a desk and says into the telephone, "Hey Gorby, did you hear this quote . . ." Dogbert quotes, "Communism is the most painful path between capitalism and capitalism." Dogbert says, "'Fire one?' Ha ha ha . . . What a kidder you are."
Dilbert says to a man at a desk, "As your new supervisor, I want to discuss your career path." Dilbert asks, "You're a secretary now, but what do you want to be in two years?" The man replies, "A famous actor . . . Or maybe a doctor." Dilbert says, "Uh . . . I don't think I can help you here . . ." The man replies, "Oh, right, but you'll expect me to work hard for you."
Dogbert sits on a bench with a man who says, ". . . I'll tell you why we're losing to foreign business: the workers in this country have lost their work ethic." Dogbert asks, "Why aren't you working now?" The man replies, "Well, now, this is a PERFECT example of what I'm trying to tell you."
The caption says, "Dilbert the Vigilante." Dilbert says to Dogbert, "When I get home from work, we'll track down the man who robbed our house and make him pay!!" At work, a man with a mohawk haircut, an eyepatch and clothes like Dilbert's sits at Dilbert's desk. Dilbert thinks, "No! It's the robber at my desk. He's stealing my job too!" Dilbert says to the Boss, "He's an impostor. Look at his hair!" The Boss replies, "We thought you'd been in a street fight with Vidal Sassoon."
A man in a strange shirt says to Dilbert, "My wife sews all of my work clothes. She's the talented one in the family." Dilbert looks at the man's oddly shaped shirt. Dilbert asks, "She hates you, doesn't she?" The man says, "Why do you ask?"
Boss: Wally, I can't give you a raise because you accomplished nothing this year. Wally: That's okay because I make a fortune investing in penny stocks. Do you want some hot stock tips? Dilbert: Did you get a raise. Wally: No, but I narrowed the gap between his income and mine.