Excellent Reviews Comic Strips - Page 7

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98 Results for Excellent Reviews

View 61 - 70 results for excellent reviews comic strips. Discover the best "Excellent Reviews" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #boss, #touched by new hire, #cry, #hired, #special skill, #identifying good people, #part instinct, #favorite color

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Man: "When I'm not helping team members, I like to feed the poor or read to blind people." "I don't care about money. All I want is a chance to help humanity reach its fullest potential." The Boss: "You're so wonderful. It's making me cry! You're hired." Man: "Excellent." The Boss: "Come meet the team." "I have a special skill for identifying good people." "It's part instinct, part experience." "And yes, maybe just a little ESP." "Watch this." "Alice, your favorite color is...mitten?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #job applaicants, #new batch, #500 qualified people, #who wants job, #pummel each applicat, #very soft itmes, #harder materials, #sugar doughnut, #their attitudes, #upbeat

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CatBert: "The new batch of job applicants is more desperate than usual." "Excellent." The Boss: "Five hundred qualified people applied for this position." "Who wants this job the most?" "I plan to pummel each applicant with a variety of objects, beginning with very soft items." "Then I'll gradually move toward harder materials until only one person is left." "I'll begin with this soft sugar doughnut." "ZING. PIFF!" "Thank you." CAtBert: "How are theur attitudes?" "Refreshingly upbeat!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #banned, #cell phones with cae, #copied, #digital form, #emailed anywhere, #evil director, #excellent idea, #new cell ohone, #rendered useless, #scanned, #scrap book

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"Catbert: evil director of human resources" "Excellent idea." "Cell phones with cameras are banned from the workplace." "Why?" "We don't want you taking pictures of proprietary information." "Most of our information is in digital form and can be e-mailed anywhere." "The rest is on paper that can be copied, scanned or tucked down one's trousers." "My new cell phone will be rendered useless for no good reason!" "And you aren't even banning regular cameras!!" This one goes in the scrapbook." "Snap"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #evil director, #expect raises, #bad ratings, #reflect poorly, #ability to motivate, #useless people, #feel bad

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Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources. Catbert: "Don't rate any employees "excellent" because then they'd deserve raises." "Don't give any bad ratings either because it would reflect poorly on your ability to hire and motivate people." The boss: "How will I make the useless people feel bad if I'm rating them "good"?" Catbert: "Try using this scowl."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #20 % staff, #failing perfromance, #required, #muscles, #money hurlage, #metting, #denounce employees, #criticize

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"The company requires me to give failing performance reviews to 20% of my staff." "There are four of you, so that works out to...80% of a person." "Wally, your calf muscles and ankles are performing well, but the rest of you is monkey hurlage."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #easy news cahnnel, #easy to gather, #countries want to kill u.s., #no phones, #two middle aged white guys, #they hate us, #we are wonderful, #buy book

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"Good evening. This is the Dogbert Easy News Channel." "We bring you all the news that's easy to gather." "Today's top story is about something that was first reported in a newspaper and later read by me." "People in other countries want to kill us. The rest of the article is mostly names I can't pronounce." "We thought about asking them why they want to kill us, but they don't have phones." "So here's the next best thing: a debate between two middle-aged white guys who also don't know why people want to kill us." "They hate us because we are so wonderful." "Buy my book or you will all die!" "Next on Easy News, our panelists wll discuss dumb crooks who keep getting stuck in chimneys." "Excellent."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #take the chair, #don't sell chairs, #sell hope, #hope of chairs, #ship in 2 months, #call and yell, #buy a chair

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SALE "I'll take that chair." "Excellent choice." "Now sit there quietly and try not to ask the one question that will kill this sale." "Is the chair in stock?" "GAAA!!!" "The truth is that we don't sell chairs at all. We sell the hope that a chair will someday be made for you." "How long will that take?" "If I could answer that question, it would be the same as selling you an actual chair." "How about if I tell you it will ship in two months, and you call and yell at me every three months for eternity?" "Did you buy a chair?" "There's no way to know."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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Your resume looks great. I see no reason you wouldn't be an excellent phone center employee. "Mwab blah glob wobmah tob muh wah wah." "This job got a lot less stressful once I realized I hate our customers."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #360 degree reviews, #peer input, #negative review, #peer review, #next raise, #annoymous, #realization

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"It's almost time for our 360 degree reviews." "That means your compensation is partly dependent on the input of your peers." "I'd hate to see something bad happen to you, like, I don't know...maybe a negative review." "I've taken the liberty of calculating the value of a good peer review in terms of your next raise." "Pay me half of that amount, and I'll guarantee a positive outcome." "How would I know you gave me a good one? Peer reviews are anonymous." "What is it about me that makes people so distrusting?"

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I think what we should do is... "Whoa!" "Give me a minute to install my management listening catheter." "Tell me about your excellent suggestion."