Market Segment Comic Strips - Page 7
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Dogbert the CEO Dogbert says, "My base pay will be one dollar per year. The rest will be stock incentives." Dilbert says, "That guarantees you will reap obscene profits when the overall stock market improves, no matter what you do." Dogbert says, "Pretend you don't know that."
Asok the intern says, "Pssst! I'm doing black market I.T. support to make up for my recent cut in pay." Man says, "Isn't this illegal?" Asok the intern, "Not according to my black market company lawyer." Alice says, "So it's legal to punch vendors?" Dogbert says, "Sure, if they deserve it." Dogbert says, "That's $100, please."
Catbert says, "You can have your old job back, but your compensation will reflect the new market reality." Catbert says, "You'll get a small base salary plus anything you can sneak past the guard in the lobby." Dilbert thinks, "These aren't the droids you're looking for."
After Budget cuts The boss: It might seem bleak now, but things will turn around... As soon as the public starts loving poorly made products that are relevant to a bygone era. In the meantime, who has organs that are still healthy enough to sell on the black market?
The Boss says, "Use the CRS database to size the market." Dilbert says, "That data is wrong." The Boss says, "Then use the sibs database." Dilbert says, "That data is also wrong." The Boss says, "Can you average them?" Dilbert says, "Sure. I can multiply them too."
Dilbert: "My pay is below market. Can I have a 20% raise?" The Boss: "No, but I'll let you use two flat screen monitors in your cubicle so it feels like you're an evil genius in a secret lair." "Bu-Wa-HAHA!" Wally: "Who got a second monitor?"
Dogbert, the VP of marketing Dogbert: "Describe your product in technical terms and I'll turn it into marketing language." Alice: "Well, it tends to overheat." Dogbert: "'hottest product on the market!'" Alice: "All the parts are known carcinogens." Dogbert: "Makes you appreciate life!"
CatBert: I decided to segment the compensation of different classes of employees. "You'll be in the segment that gets paid the same no matter what you do." "I call your segment the 'relatively unimportant' segment." Tina: "Catchy."
The Boss: Human resources is a company's most important strategic asset. "That means it's your fault we're losing market share. Maybe you should fire yourself." "Strategic assets don't like accountability."
Wally in Marketing "According to my market research, ninety percent of your customers..." "...'fantasize about beating you to death with your stupid product.'" "What about the other ten percent?" "They asked for your company address but didn't say why."