Maximize Shareholder Value Comic Strips - Page 7
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Dogbert: I thwarted the hostile takeover bid, but your CEO died in the process. Dogbert: I'll find you someone else to blather about quality while being grossly overpaid. Dogbert: I like your look, but can you blather?" Man: Quality is my global added value!"
Wally: this week I functioned as an incubator of innovations for contributions to the value chain. To the observer, it looks as if I am doing nothing, but on the inside, I am incubating my brains out. The Boss: It doesn't count unless it hurts. Wally: It hurts plenty.
The Boss: I hired an unqualified crony to run our quality control group. "I value loyalty over competence. That's the sign of a great leader." Dilbert: "Do you see any problem with that?" The Boss: "It makes you look extra disloyal?"
Dilbert: "As you requested, I sorted the future product features into three priorities." "Let me know which group I should stop working on." Essential Critical Must-Have "This is the part where you pretend to add value."
Tags #unqualified, #position, #job, #higher salray, #negotiate riase, #irrational dipwad, #easily manipulated, #bogus compariosns, #illusion of scaricity, #can't have you, #desparate to hire, #rationalizations, #total lack of qaulifications, #write the offer, #business
"No offense, but you're totally unqualified for this position." Wally: "That's okay. I already have a job." "I just need a job offer at a higher salary so I can use it to negotiate for a raise." Wally: "My boss is an irrational dipwad who is easily manipulated by bogus comparisons and the illusion of scarcity." Wally: "Your offer will make him think my value is much higher than it actually is." "Great. Now that I know I can't have you, I desperately want to hire you." "My mind is already forming rationalizations for your total lack of qualifications!" "How do you turn this off?!!" Wally: "I'll tell you after you write the offer."
Wally: "This week I mapped and gapped the requirements to consolidate everything into a program of work..." "...to maximize synergy capture and optimize our resource utilization." "If any of that sounded like work, I'll do some more of it next week."
Dilbert: "I reached an agreement with the rebels so they won't attack our factory in Elbonia." "It's a stock swap. Every time they collect a ransom, the value of our company will increase." The Boss: "Doesn't that make us terrorists?" Dilbert: "Very indirectly."
The Boss: Why did you add this button to the user interface? Dilbert: You told me to. The boss: Why would I tell you that? Dilbert: You always suggest random changes to create the illusion of adding value. The Boss: Well, remove that button. Dilbert: It's only on your copy."