Seven Silo Teams Comic Strips - Page 7
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dilbert: "The status of my project is that you ignored five of my e-mails and seven of my voice mails." "I tried to corner you in the hallway, but you filled all the air space with stories about your sinuses and scampered away." The boss: "Speaking of which, hoo boy." Wally: "I'd like to hear those stories."
The Boss: "My new home theater is amazing." "It's got a dvd, hd, dvr, fm, satellite dish, mp3, widescreen tv, seven speakers and a universal remote." "It's fun to invite people over so they can show me how to turn it on."
The Boss: "We haven't sold a single unit of our new wireless hassock product." "Our plan is to make the sales people work in teams and take turns wearing electroshock pants." "Now close the deal, Cliffy, or it's payback time." "BUY IT!!! BUY IT!!!"
"Wally, why have you been charging all of your hours to my project?" "I invited you to one meeting. It lasted one hour." "Do you think I would go to a meeting without extensive preparation?" "Okay.. that's another hour." "How many more do you need explained?" "Fifty-eight." "After the meeting, I sat quietly and evaluated what everyone said. That took fity-seven hours." "Ha! You're still an hour short. Explain THAT!" "Do you mind if I sit quietly and think about that question for a while?"
Headline: Seven Stages of a Performance Review. Alice is sitting at her computer. The Boss approaches and says, "It's time." Headline: Denial. Carol is sitting across from the Boss. She looks at her evaluation and exclaims, "What the...? These aren't even my objectives!" Headline: Anger. Alice grabs The Boss by his tie and says, "Who said these things about me?!" Headline: Bargaining. Alice calms down and asks, "What if I make someone write a glowing e-mail about me?" Headline: Depression. Alice slumps in her chair and says, "Morale slipping away... hair.... so.... limp." Headline: Acceptance. Alice stands to leave and says, "Whatever, there's no budget for raises anyway." Headline: Trash-talking. Alice walks away from The Boss' office and says to herself, "... Wool-covered pile of ignorant monkey spit." Headline: Lunch. Alice sits in her cubicle and thinks, "A falafel would hit the spot."
Headline: Catbert the Evil Director of Human Resources. Catbert sits behind a desk and says, "Hello, head-count." The employee asks, "Am I fired?" Catbert responds, "No, no, no..." Catbert says, "I'd never fire you for making unflattering comments to the press about the company." The employee responds, "Really? Everyone said you're evil." Catbert responds, "Heh, heh, thank you." He pauses and then continues, "But all I'm doing is transferring you to a new job." The employee says, "Gee, that doesn't sound bad." He pauses and then asks, "What is it?" Catbert says, "Our new assembly line is seven inches too low. Your job is to fix it." The employee's head is clamped in a machine. A factory worker is using his legs as a lever with which to operate the machine. The employee thinks, "I'm living for the weekend."
Dilbert is sitting in his cubicle. A coworker approaches and says, "My vacation was great!" The coworker continues, "The sunsets were beautiful. The food was amazing." Dilbert turns and says, "Descriptions of your vacation serve no purpose." Dilbert continues, "I can neither see the sunsets nor taste the food." Dilbert continues, "It appears to be a selfish attempt to trigger happy memories for yourself at my expense.' The coworker responds, "Okay, buster! When my seven rolls of film get developed.." She exclaims, "You're out of the loop!!!" The coworker leaves and Dilbert whistles and thinks to himself, "That worked out better than I hoped."
The Boss is with another man and introduces him to Dilbert. The Boss says, "Dilbert, I'd like you to interview Matt for our department." Dilbert asks Matt, "There's a three-year gap in your work history. What were you doing?" Matt replies, "One day I was balancing my checkbook and noticed a bank error." Matt continues, "So I embarked on a three-year mission to make the bank admit its mistake!" Matt continues, "I worked the phones day and night, rarely eating or bathing." Matt continues, "Then came the sit-ins, the media frenzy and the landmark court case." Matt exclaims, "The bank claimed that seven minus four is three. And I'm like, 'Since when?'" After the interview, The Boss asks Dilbert, "Would he fit in?" Dilbert replies, "Unfortunately, yes."
The Boss says to Alice, "Alice, write a performance evaluation of yourself for me to sign." Alice replies, "What will our seven layers of management be doing while I manage myself?? Alice continues, "Sorry. I'll ding myself for that on my evaluation." The Boss says, "If you can't find me, have Carol sign my name."
Wally says to Asok, "The first week after getting an assignment is called 'The Wally Period.' Wally continues, "Never do work during the Wally period because most tasks become unnecessary within seven days." Asok exclaims, "I want a period named after me!" Wally replies, "Whoa, Asok. That takes many years of non-work."