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Boss: I hired a consultant to teach us how to negotiate. Normally, he charges triple the market rate, but I talked him down to double. Wally: Where is he? Boss: He said he's teaching us what happens when there's no performance clause in a contract.
the new consultant: i'll need the support of every department to make this project a success. boss: i won't get any credit if your project succeeds, and you'll be gone in a month. consultant: can i count on you to not sabotage the project? boss: you're coming off as needy.
the new consultant: none of your department heads are cooperating with me. several are selfish, lazy and stupid, while others are actively working against me. maybe you could talk to them. ceo: i hired you so i wouldn't need to talk to losers.
Man: ...And that's what I recommend. Boss: I reject your recommendation because it doesn't match what we already decided to do. Man: That's no way to run a business. Boss: Can you refer me to a less judgy consultant?
The Boss says, "I hired a consultant to help us evolve our products to cloud computing." Dogbert says, "Blah blah cloud. Blah blah cloud. Blah blah cloud. Blah blah cloud." The Boss says, "It's as if your'e a technologist and a philosopher all in one!" Dogbert says, "blah blah platform."
Dogbert consults Dogbert: I recommend that you buy the Dogbert database software. Boss: Did I just pay a consultant to recommend his own company's software? Dogbert: I'm totally objective. Boss: Who would install and test it? Dogbert: Maybe a consultant who knows the product?
Boss: Out budget for contact employees was eliminated. We'll have to pay you out of the training budget. So instead of doing the job yourself... you'll have to train Dilbert to do the job we're paying you to do. Dilbert: Why don't you just move some of the training budget to the contractor budget? Boss: If we reduce the training budget this year, we'll get less next year. Dilbert: So... you prefer paying two people to do the job of one? Boss: Right. Consultant: How do you stay in business? Boss: Our customers are even dumber than us.
Dilbert: Customers are threatening to boycott us if we continue to advertise on Dogbert's radio show. Dogbert insulted every man, woman, child and organic substance in the known universe. He called the moon something that rhymes with totem. Boss: Modem?
Dilbert: The feng shui consultant you asked for is overbooked. But I found a guy who is heavily into astrology, black magic, and voodoo. Boss: Are you trying to tell me something? Dilbert: Ask him. He's also a psychic.
Dogbert stands in front of an easel and points to a diagram. The Boss and a woman sit at a conference table. Dogbert says, "Your profits are plunging." Dogbert continues, "The problem will not be easy to solve." The diagram shows a large brain labeled "competitors," a smaller brain labeled "beavers," and a tiny brain labeled "you." The Boss asks, "So, what should we do? Cut the training budget again?"