Everything You Say Comic Strips - Page 7
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The Boss says, "Go to human resources for a psychological evaluation." Dilbert says, "Why??? Have I said anything that is abnormal?" The Boss says, "You're an engineer. Everything you say is abnormal." Catbert says, "Question one: How many bodies are hidden in the crawl space under your house?" Dilbert says, "If they are hidden, how would I know?" Catbert says, "Well, maybe you would smell them." Dilbert says, "Not if they were wrapped in heavy plastic and sealed in concrete." Wally says, "How'd it go?" Dilbert says, "Not so good."
The Boss says, "Is there any risk that the new software will erase our data?" Dilbert says, "Um?No." The boss says, "Did you ask the vendor that question?" Dilbert says, "Well, no, I?" The boss says, "Then you can't be sure, can you?" Dilbert says, "We outsource our payroll service. The payroll data isn't even on our servers." The boss says, "Isn't everything connected to everything else by the internet?" Dilbert says, "You want me to ask our vendor if his software will hunt down our payroll data from across the internet and try to kill it?" Dilbert says, "And you think he might say yes?" The boss says, "Better safe than sorry." Later that day Man says, "Yes, sometimes it does that. You're the first to ask." Dilbert thinks, "Shoot me."
You treat every conversation like it's a contest where you have to be the one who is right! Dilbert: "It only seems that way because everything you say is wrong." "See? There it is!" Dilbert: "I'm pretty sure that was you again."
Alice: "You should check with Ted to see if he knows about this sort of thing." Dilbert: "I'll add that to my list of marginally useful things that other people have suggested I do." Dilbert: "Apparently, agreeing isn't enough. You also need to say it a certain way."
The Boss: "What have you done lately to enhance our strategy into the next adjacency?" Dilbert: "I don't know what that means, so I'm going to say 'everything.'" The Boss: "He's lucky there's no way to verify that claim."
Bias for Action Passion for Results "And these are our company values." "Please don't ask any questions." "Question!" "Do the results have to be good ones?" "Um...yes." "I'm not so sure. I think it would say that." "Since action and results are both important, is it okay to have bad results so long as it takes twice as much action?" "JUST DO EVERYTHING SOON AND PERFECTLY!!!" "Is it my imagination or is he all over the map on this?" "I forget what we were talking about."
"Your last job was international pop star?" "Right." "Hey, I recognize you! I bought your new CD." "No you didn't." "When I say bought I mean downloaded." "Exactly. I didn't sell one CD. Everyone downloaded it." "Weren't you already rich?" "My business manager stole everything." "You could perform live." "Too many musicians, not enough venues." "Now do you make music for the love of it?" "I burned my guitar for heat." "I bought your new CD." "No you didn't."
The boss: Our Vp of marketing here to describe our new bet the company strategy. we'll saturate the airwaves with an ad campaign featuring a talking squirrel. He'll have a face norwegian accent like, "Geeve me zee nuts" ha ha! Any questions? Yes, you with the strange ghead, Dilbert: How will a talking squirrel make people but our products? I just realized Ima complete fraud, I'll pack up my desk and leave immediately. The Boss: can we get through one meeting without you ruining everything?
Headline: The Adventures of Paul Ooshen* (*Say it fast). Paul sits at his computer and looks down at his watch. Paul squirts a perfume bottle towards his face. He thinks, "Aaah... The scent of a hog farm in a rainstorm." Paul rubs in fingers in an oil puddle on his desk and thinks, "Oil for fingers." Paul holds up a sandwich and thinks, "Onion sandwich." Paul snorts his nose and thinks, "Annoying nasal sounds." Paul pours coffee into a mug and thinks, "Leaky coffee mug.. I'm ready for my meeting." Paul enters Alice's cubicle and scratches his nails down her computer screen. Alice screams, "Yes! Yes! I agree to everything! Please leave!" Paul walks away and thinks, "I didn't even need to lean over her keyboard with my sugar donut."