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Boss: We need creative ideas for our next product. But not from you. Your ideas are awful. And don't suggest something that is already being done. That just puts your ignorance on public display. I don't want to hear any ideas that cost money or increase risk. As usual, I'll evaluate each idea by repeating it slowly while I look at your with disdain. If you come up with a good idea, I'll let you take on the project in addition to your existing work. Who wants to go first? How did I hire so many people who have no ideas? Catbert: Probably bad luck.
Wally: A tiny flying unicorn gave me this key. Guard: Grab a snout and a hat. We're just about to manipulate the commodities market. Wally: Is it my imagination or everything a little bit better here?
Co-worker: I played golf at Pebble Beach over the weekend. Dilbert: I played that course on Xbox. Co-worker: That's totally different. Dilbert: I used a full spectrum lamp to simulate sunlight. Co-worker: I got fresh air! Dilbert: You should get a house that has windows. They're terrific.
wally: Tell me why I should hire you as my service monkey, Carl. Carl: I worked as a starbucks barista for eight years and my head has been surgically flattened to stabilize your coffee cup. Dilbert: Impressive. Wally: This is nothing, You should see how well he interviews,
Dilbert sits at his desk using a screwdriver. Dogbert says, "You know, dogs can sense earthquakes before they happen." Dogbert says, "Here comes one now." Dilbert drops the screwdriver. As Dilbert hides under the desk, Dogbert says, "This has potential to keep me entertained for weeks."
Dogbert holds up a newspaper and says to Dilbert, "Look! I've created the world's first completely reusable newspaper." Dilbert reads from the newspaper, "Pope denounces violence . . . Home prices rise . . . Unrest in the Mideast . . ." Dogbert says, "Generic news!" Dilbert reaches into his pocket and asks, "How much?" Dogbert holds out his paw and says, "A thousand bucks. You'll never need another one."
Dilbert and Dogbert sit on pillows on the floor. Dilbert says, "I asked Debbie for a date, but she said she was feeling antisocial tonight." Dilbert continues, "Then I asked Laura, but she said she was feeling antisocial, too . . . So Debbie and Laura decided to go to the movies with each other." Dogbert says, "Those antisocial people always seem to hang out together." Dilbert says, "Yeah . . ."
Bob the Dinosaur sits across from a man and a woman who are interviewing him. The man says, "Before we hire you as our babysitter, we want to test how a dinosaur like you would respond to a variety of emergency scenarios." The man asks, "What if there's a fire?" Bob replies, "Dial 911." The man asks, "Burglary?" Bob answers, "Dial 911." The man asks, "Injury?" Bob replies, "Dial 911." The man asks, "Poisoning?" Bob replies, "Dial 911." The man asks, "Giant asteroid collides with earth and triggers an ice age?" Bob says, "Oh, wow . . . I'm drawing a complete blank here . . ."
Dogbert sits across from the Boss's desk. The Boss says, "Why should I hire you as my business consultant?" Dogbert replies, "I have credibility because I don't work for your company. No smart person would work here full-time." The Boss says, "I work here full-time." Dogbert says, "Sorry. I'll try to speak slower."
Dogbert: "You should hire me as your process reengineering consultant." "I would be totally objective about what jobs to eliminate. Frankly, I don't care about anybody at your company!" Dilbert: "You've got the right attitude." Dogbert: "I think I'll wear a flowing robe and surround myself with cherubs."