Ill Comic Strips - Page 7

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View 61 - 70 results for ill comic strips. Discover the best "Ill" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 23, 2012's comic on:


Tags #dolls, #dummy, #treat customers, #metaphor, #stunned, #employees shicked, #boss demonstrates

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Boss: I'll use this dummy to demonstrate the way our company wants us to treat customers. Dilbert: We think it was meant as a metaphor, but there's no way to be sure.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 03, 2012's comic on:


Tags #laziness, #office workers, #encouragement, #career plans, #misjudge, #5 year plan, #legacy sytems, #retirement, #projects, #protect heart, #plenty of naps, #quality of work, #pension fund, #new career plan

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Catbert: Wally, you can't float through life with no goals and no ambition. Wally: You misjudge me. I have my entire career planned out. My five-year plan is to avoid any sort of work in which my individual accomplishments can be measured. I'll hoard knowledge about one of our legacy systems so I seem indispensable. When I get to within four years of retirement, I'll only work on projects that have a five-year payback. I'll protect my cardiovascular system by getting plenty of naps and not caring about the quality of my work. Then I'll stick a straw in our pension fund and suck on it for the next forty years. Boss: Did you get him straightened out? Catbert: No, but I got a new career plan for myself.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 10, 2012's comic on:


Tags #better job, #goldilocks zone, #managers, #marinate in own stench, #monster, #skills expire, #technology certifictae, #training, #your training

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Dilbert: I need to get this technology certification. Boss: Whoa! No way. If I pay for your training, you'll use your certification to get a better job. At the moment, you're in what we managers call the goldilocks zone. You're not hot enough to get a better job, and you're not yet incompetent at the one you have. When your skills expire, in the next year or two, I'll replace you with someone younger. Dilbert: You're a monster! I'll pay for my own training and leave you to marinate in your own stench! CEO: How did you keep your training expenses so low? Boss: I marinated in my own stench.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 07, 2012's comic on:


Tags #boss, #telling how to do job, #priorities, #reports, #email, #suggestions

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Boss: Stop telling Tina how to do her job. You're not her boss. Dilbert: I was just helping out because her boss has his priorities all backward. Boss: She reports to me. Dilbert: I'll email your boss some suggestions for fixing you.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 25, 2012's comic on:


Tags #jerk, #office workers, #unreliable, #experinced, #hound, #management

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Coworker: I'll get that information to you by Tuesday. Dilbert: You seem reliable. I'll schedule some time on Wednesday to hound you, and more time on Friday to escalate to your boss. Coworker: Are you trying to be a jerk? Dilbert: I'm experienced. It looks exactly the same.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 08, 2012's comic on:


Tags #discussion, #meetings, #new product ideas, #brainstorm, #no criticising, #less effective, #stem cell technology

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Boss: Let's brainstorm new product ideas. Remember, the most important rule of brainstorming is no criticizing. Dilbert: I'll go first. Research shows that brainstorming is less effective than people working by themselves and later comparing ideas. My idea is to use stem cell technology to design bosses who aren't ignoramuses. Remember, you're not supposed to criticize ideas. But if you decide to do it anyway, it sort of proves my point. I understand whey brainstorming has a bad reputation, but it doesn't stop me from enjoying it.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 02, 1989's comic on:


Tags #heck, #shame, #minor

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Dilbert says to Phil the Ruler of Heck, "Gosh, I thought 'Heck' was just a figure of speech." Phil replies, "Yeah. A lot of people think they can get away with minor infractions." Phil says, "According to my records, last month you deliberately asked for THREE little ketchups at McDonald's when you KNEW you only needed TWO." Dilbert says, "I knew that would come back to haunt me. Look, I still have the extra one. I'll give it back!" Phil shakes his spoon at Dilbert and says, "Shame shame . . ."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 13, 1989's comic on:


Tags #walk, #hallway, #stranger

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Dilbert walks down the hall thinking, "It's so awkward to walk past strangers in hallways; you always gotta avoid eye contact." Dilbert thinks, "I know - I'll wait until we're near and then pick up that little piece of fuzz on the carpet there." Dilbert arrives at home with a bandage on his head. Dilbert tells Dogbert, ". . . Then we both went for the carpet fuzz." Dogbert replies, "Smooth."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 22, 1989's comic on:


Tags #confidence, #dog, #power, #surprise, #feelings, #bad dog, #animals

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Dilbert shows Dogbert a newspaper advertisement and says, "Imagine my surprise when I saw this ad for Doctor Dilbert's seminar on developing self-confidence. Okay, what's the scam?" Dogbert explains, "I figured this would be a good way to find a bunch of meek people to do my bidding. If they refuse, I'll yell at them and hurt their little feelings." Dogbert continues, "Then I'll leverage that power into vast wealth or maybe world domination." Dilbert says, "No! Bad doggy!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 25, 1989's comic on:


Tags #exercise & fitness, #run, #workout tape, #scare

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Dilbert arrives at home and asks, "Okay, where are these so-called upholsterygeist?" Dogbert replies, "In the living room." Dilbert says, "You turn on the VCR, I'll get the Jane Fonda workout tape!" The chair runs away screaming, "Aaagh! The Exercist!"