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Headline: Furniture Psychic. Dogbert stands on The Boss' desk wearing a magician's hat. Dogbert says, "Your old chair has passed to the other side." Dogbert continues, "He says you'll know what this means: 'Squeak, squeak." The Boss cries and says, "Yes." Dogbert says, "Your desk says, 'Thanks for the gum.'" The Boss sobs, "I need closure!"
Carol hands The Boss a magazine and says, "Our products got reviewed in the new issue of 'Extortion Magazine.'" The Boss reads, "If they had bought more ad space in this magazine, we would not compare their products to week-old spit." Carol says, "It's better than last month." The Boss responds, "I'll bet we can get to 'day-old' with another half-page ad."
Dogbert is standing next to a stack of books on The Boss' desk. He says, "If you want to be a great leader, read the books that have inspired leaders for centuries." Dogbert holds up a book and says, "For example, the first pyramids were built after a twelve-year-old pharaoh read this book." The Boss reads the title, "Things That Look Naughty From Miles Away."
The man who couldn't give direct answers. Alice: "Did you ask your boss for approval?" Man: "Now i will explain the process for getting approval." Alice: "Do you want to do this the hard way?" Man: "First, you ask for a meeting."
Dilbert: "Our new chip is slower than our competition's products." The Boss: "We'll claim we're the fastest. If anyone does benchmark tests, we'll say they used old drivers." Dilbert: "Whenever I talk to you, I feel like I should be wearing a wire." The boss: "Since when is marketing a crime?"
"Evil director of H.R." "It's illegal for me to ask about age, sex, marital status, weight, ethnicity or disabilities." "But I can see that youre a fifty-year-old, 145-pund, mongrel spinster with some coordination issues." "Do you have any problem working on Christmas?"
The boos: I can't find any highly trained job applicants who want an unpleasant work environment and low pay. Catbert: I miss the old days where a man would build a skyscraper with his bare hands just to make you stop hitting him with a shovel. The boss: Did they have a dental plan? Catbert: yes. they called it duck!!
The boss and Carol are standing in front of Alice, Wally and Dilbert. The boss says, while pointing to Carol: "Congratulations to my secretary Carol for getting her MBA" The boss says to Carol: "At this company we believe hard work should be rewarded." The boss says to Carol: "The next time you fetch my coffee, get some coffee for yourself too!" Carol says to the boss: "You should be promoting me, you pompous baboon!" The boss says to Carol: "How can I explain this in the most sensitive way?" The boss says: "The secretarial stigma will cover you like a mountain of wet carpets until the day you die." The boss says to Carol, who looks furious: "I'm glad we had this talk. I think it helped." Alice and Wally are walking behind the boss and Alice says:"The next time you ask for coffee. We'd like to watch."
Catbert says to Dilbert, "We can hire you back but not at your old job." Dilbert responds, "That's okay. I'll do anything but sales. I would be the worst salesperson on Earth." Catbert says, "It's sales." Dilbert replies, "Did I just say worst when I meant best?" Catbert responds, "We'll have to train you to lie better."