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Dilbert walks through a door and thinks, "I hate this: somebody is just far enough behind me that it would be awkward to hold the door, but rude to let it swing." Dilbert walks away thinking, "I'll just pick up the pace and act like I don't notice anybody behind me." The door hits the person behind him. The person screams and falls down the stairs. Dilbert thinks, "Doors at the tops of stairs are the worst."
Dilbert and Dogbert, who is wearing a hat, walk into Scaparotti's Restaurant. There is a sign in the window that says, "No pets." Dilbert says to Dogbert, "Just try to act human." Dilbert says to the waiter, "Two ravioli supremes and garlic bread." Dogbert adds, "And a cat . . ." Dilbert says, "That's 'catsup,' my friend would like some CATSUP." Dogbert says, "Maybe something Siamese."
Dilbert says to Dogbert, "I've decided it's time to stop talking about world hunger and start DOING something!" Dilbert continues, "Let others debate policies. My time to act is now." Dogbert asks, "You're going to buy a smarmy bumper sticker, aren't you?" Dilbert replies, "Darn straight."
Dilbert stands next to a woman in an elevator. Dilbert thinks, "Riding elevators is so awkward." Dilbert thinks, "Stare straight ahead . . . Don't breathe . . . Don't fidget . . . Don't blink . . . Arms hang like limp weights . . ." The woman thinks, "I think he's dead." Dilbert thinks, "Above all, act naturally."
Dilbert sits at his desk holding a device that looks like a gun. Dilbert says to Dogbert, "This could be my most important technical achievement yet. I'll call it the 'Sonic Obliterator.' Hmm . . . Catchy." Dilbert explains, "This baby can blast a buffalo into random particles in about half a nanosecond." Dilbert continues, "Of course, it might have limited application around the house." Dogbert says, "At least the buffalos will show us some respect."
The caption says, "How to be a boring person." Dogbert faces the reader and says, "Our fist demonstration is called 'listing things because you can.'" Dilbert says, "I like the numbers that are divisable by two . . . For instance four . . . And ten . . . And sixteen and eight . . . And twelve . . . And, uh . . . Forty . . . And ten, or did I already say ten?" Dogbert says, "Now act confused and start over, using your fingers as if that helps." Dilbert says, "Okay, four . . . And ten . . ."
The Boss says to Dilbert and Wally, "Starting today, the company will begin random drug testing." The Boss continues, "Although it would be illegal to search your car or home for illegal drugs . . ." The Boss concludes, "We have found no ethical problem with sucking the blood out of your body. Results will be posted in the cafeteria."
Dilbert sits in his chair and says to Dogbert, "It's an ethical dilemma . . . I support my company's goal of discouraging drug use, but the random drug testing policy is a violation of my constitutional rights." Dilbert continues, "I'll get fired if I refuse the test. What is the ethical thing to do?" Dogbert replies, "Hack into their computer and change your Boss's test results." Dilbert sits at his computer and says, "Sometimes the straightest path is through the mud." Dogbert says, "Good, rationalize it with an obtuse metaphor."
Ratbert, who is wearing a sweater, asks Dogbert, "What do you think of my Chihuahua disguise?!" Dogbert replies, "It's a good start, Ratbert, but it takes more than a turtleneck to look like a Chihuahua." Ratbert opens his eyes wide and says, "How about if I make this face and act nervous?" Dogbert replies, "Perfect."
Dilbert walks down the hall and thinks, "Now that I'm CEO, everybody treats me differently." Dilbert thinks, "They interpret and act upon my slightest gesture. This gesture means 'all is well.'" Behind Dilbert there is a scream and a crash. An employee says, "We tossed Mahoney out the window like you gestured, sir." Dilbert thinks, "Oops."