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Dilbert says, "The marketing department has asked us to make our products more robust." Dilbert says, "None of us knows what that means." Dilbert says, "So we can either cancel this meeting and go ask them?" Dilbert says, "Or we can pretend that arguing with each other about the true meaning of 'robust' is just as good." Dilbert says, "While that option is stupid, it would give us the illusion of doing something useful right now." Asok says, "Would it be ethical to ignore the long-term interests of stockholders just ot feel good about ourselves for a few minutes?" Dilbert says, "I think robust means it has lots of features." Wally says, "It means sturdy!"
Tags #ceo's meeting, #boos, #Dilbert, #status on technology, #platform migration, #nothing to hide, #100 drunken clowns, #beed in their underpants, #decline in morale, #pretending tow ork, #get fired, #hide things
CEO Meeting The Boss: "I brought Dilbert in case you have any technical questions." CEO: "What's the status on the technology platform migration project?" The Boss: "Be completely honest. We have nothing to hide." Dilbert: "Well, okay." "The project is like a hundred drunken clowns with bees in their underpants." "I expect the decline in morale to lead to violence." "Most of us are only pretending to work while secretly hoping the project gets canceled after you get fired by the board." "It turns out that we did have a few things to hide."
Tags #career day, #classroom, #guest speaker, #Dilbert, #engineering, #tells all, #explaining things, #to idiots, #make decisions, #misinterpreting, #massic=ve problems, #rumors overwhelm, #assign blame, #unpopular
Career Day Teacher: "Class, today Dilbert will tell us what a career in engineering is all about." Dilbert: "My job involves explaining things to idiots.""Then the idiots make decisions based on misinterpreting what I said." "Then it is my job to try and fix the massive problems caused by the bad decisions." "Eventually rumors overwhelm facts, and I give up." "In the final phase, I assign blame to a unpopular coworker." "So whatever you do in life don't be unpopular." Teacher: "Don't listen to him!" Dilbert: "Said the unpopular teacher."
The Boss: I've decided to manage by spreadsheet. "I'll track things until all of our problems fix themselves." CatBert: "Your optimism is cute." The Boss: "Thanks. You're pretty fuzzy yourself."
Catbert: evil director of human resources Catbert: "Some of you have been thinking about happy things when you should be working." "These sensors will alert management any time the pleasure areas of your brain have more blood flow." "I was happier not knowing." ding ding ding ding ding ding ding
Dilbert: "This concludes the useful part of my presentation." "Now let's open the floor to suggestions from people who are unqualified to do their own jobs, much less mine." "Yes, you with the forehead." Man: "Can you make the software out of recycled paper?"
The Boss points to a slide of a man making a funny face and says, "We've expanded our customer disservice program." The Boss points to the next slide of a technician saying, "Uh.. reboot." The Boss continues, "...Doubled our unhelpful technical support advice." The next slide is of a customer leaning back with one hand on the phone and the other holding his stomach, saying, "So... hungry." The Boss continues, "... Stretched our telephone hold times to lethal durations..." Wally, Dilbert, and Alice listen as The Boss' voice continues, "... And cleansed our online support database of all useful articles." The Boss says, "Our goal is to force customers to form support groups." The Boss continues, "Over time, with luck, we'll train customers to do our manufacturing and shipping, too." Wally raises his hand and asks, "May I train a customer to do my job?" The Boss replies, "Sure." A little boy sits in front of a computer with a cup of coffee in his hand. He asks Wally, "So.. what do I do?" Wally responds, "You're doing it."
Dilbert is sitting in his cubicle. The Boss approaches and says, "I'm moving to a new house next week." The Boss continues, "I have lots of heavy objects that need to be moved." The Boss continues, "I wonder who will help me." The Boss continues, "Maybe it will be someone who cares about his career." Dilbert turns and asks, "Did you know that professional moving companies exist?" Dilbert continues, "It's true. You give them money and they move your heavy things." Dilbert continues, "It's a wonderful system. You should look into it." The Boss says to Carol, "And maybe you can bring your trailer." Carol exclaims, "It's a mobile home!"
Dogbert says into his telephone headset, "This is Dogbert's Tech Support. How may I abuse you?" The man on the other end of the line replies, "My printer prints a blank page after every document." Dogbert says, "Why would you complain about getting free paper?" The man responds, "Free? Isn't it just giving me my own paper?" Dogbert replies, "Egad, man! Look at the quality of the free paper compared to your lousy regular paper!" Dogbert continues, "Only a fool or a liar would say they look the same!" The man responds, "Now that you mention it, it does seem silkier." Dilbert approaches Dogbert and asks, "What are you doing?" Dogbert replies, "I'm helping people accept the things they can't change."