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Wally says, "I did no work this week because I judged the user's specifications to be inadequate." Wally says, "Should I continue to do nothing or do you prefer I use incomplete specs to produce useless designs?" Wally says, "The next thing you hear is something called leadership."
Wally says, "I didn't do any work this week because my project will probably be cancelled in the next budget cuts." The boss says, "Wally, I don't pay you to do nothing." Wally says, "I'm pretty sure you do." Wally says, "But I understand your confusion." Wally says, "I too was surprised by the first few years of getting paid to do nothing." Wally says, "In time, doing nothing becasme its own sort of challenge." Wally says, "I'm like a ninja with no hopes and dreams." The boss says, "Wally, set up a meeting with me later." Wally says, "I'll get right on that."
Certified Massage Therapist "Fill out this lengthy medical questionnaire." "That'll save me a few minutes of touching him." "I wonder if he'd know if I only used one hand." "Actually, how would he even know if it's a hand?" "Maybe I have an object here that feels like a hand." "This ballpoint pen will work." "I'm finding some tension here. Okay, it's gone now." "She says I should come back every week until my muscles stop clicking." "Sounds like you found a pen pal."
"I have an idea for boosting my performance." "You wisely coached us to use all of our vacation days every year." "Because we come back recharged!" "Our renewed motivation is more than enough to compensate for ths missed days." "My plan is to leverage that competitive advantage." "I'll take a fifteen year vacation and return ten minutes before retirement." "Then I'll be so recharged that I'll pounce and do twenty years of work in minutes!!" "Unless it's near a holiday, in which case, do you mind if I leave early?"
The Boss says, "Tina, I have to give you a performance rating of 'Poor' because you did no work this year." Tina exclaims, "No work?" Tina says, "I wrote hundreds of technical documents this year!" Tina continues to The Boss, "I worked seventy hours a week!" Tina continues, "I e-mailed every one of the documents to you..." Tina continues, "... With instructions to forward them with your approval to the end users." The Boss says, "That reminds me: I don't know how to open attachments." Tina says to Dilbert, "Why didn't you tell me you never got my documents?" Dilbert asks, "Who are you?"
The Boss is sitting at his desk. Wally approaches and asks, "Is it okay if I work from home one day a week?" The Boss responds, "How would I know you were working?" Wally responds, "How do you know I'm working when I'm HERE?" The Boss responds, "When you're here, I know you're unhappy and that's the same thing as work." Wally responds, "What if I invent a hideously uncomfortable hat to wear when I'm working at home?" The Boss responds, "Well... that might be okay." The Boss continues, "But it has to be extremely uncomfortable or else it isn't work." Wally sits in his living room. He has a clamp tightened around his head and has turned blue. He thinks, "Hee Hee! The joke's on him - it isn't that uncomfortable."
Wally: I'm planning to take advantage of our new unlimited vacation policy. I'll be gone for two hundred days in the coming year. And I guarantee I will still double my productivity compared to the prior year. Boss: There's no way to measure productivity for engineers. Wally: Good to know.
Boss: Our CEO has asked each of us to donate 1% of our work time to a charitable cause. Dilbert: Last week you told us to give 110% to our work. Does this mean we can back off to 109%? Boss: No, you should give 110% to everything you do. Dilbert: Maybe my charitable cause could be helping you learn math.
Wally: Last week, I did my corporate charity work by teaching unemployed people how to interview for jobs. Boss: Don't they also need job skills? Wally: Nah. I taught them how to look busy. Boss: No boss will be fooled by that. Wally: Do you believe I trained unemployed people last week?
Dilbert: Can I take my vacation next week? Boss: Fine. Just work twice as hard this week to get everything done before you leave. Dilbert: In that case, I prefer not taking a vacation at all. Boss: It's starting to look as if nothing can make you happy.