How To Comic Strips - Page 71
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1000 Results for How To
View 701 - 710 results for how-to comic strips. Discover the best "How To" comics from Dilbert.com.
Thursday May 12,
2011
Tags annoyance, doctors' offices, medicines, whiny idiots, pill, doctor, exam room, office, treadmill, pass out, medical
Transcript
Dilbert: I'm sick of listening to whiny idiots. Do you have a pill for that? Doctor: I sure do! I took a handful of them this morning and I feel great in spite of your complaining! How funny would it be if I make you run on a treadmill until you pass out?
Saturday April 30,
2011
Tags apathy, telephones, get tech support, audio menu, tech support, user manuals, hate customers, apathy thing
Transcript
Dogbert: I researched how long your customers will stay on the phone trying to get tech support before giving up. Then I designed an audio menu tree that will take them slightly longer than that to reach your tech support. I've seen your user manuals and I assume that you hate your customers' guts. Boss: It's more of an apathy thing.
Friday April 29,
2011
Tags annoyance, anxiety, internet & world wide web, password recovery, password, pin code, user name, code word, complicated planet, floyd, first person, breath, jump, outer psce
Transcript
Dogbert: Are you trying to recover a password, PIN code, user name, pass code or code word? Man: I hate this stupid complicated planet! I am so out of here! Dogbert's password recovery service. And that is how Floyd became the first person to hold his breath and jump into outer space.
Sunday April 24,
2011
Tags fraternization, joking, agenda, know anything, important he is, like his jokes, late for dinner, jokes, table, meeting, laughter, business
Transcript
Boss: The first thing on the agenda... Dilbert: Hold on. I don't know anything about this guy. Boss: What's the difference? Dilbert: I need to know how important he is. Should I pretend to like his jokes? Should I nod in agreement no matter what he says? Man: You can call me anything. Just don't call me late for dinner. Dilbert: Ha ha ha ha ha!! I hope I didn't waste that.
Monday April 11,
2011
Tags fraternization, internet & world wide web, friends with ghoats, real freinds, imaginary ones, idea is ridiculous, ridiculous idea, facebook freinds
Transcript
Dogbert: You need to create a product that gives people the illusion of being friends with ghosts. Boss: People only want real friends, not imaginary ones. Your idea is ridiculous. Dogbert: How many friends do you have on Facebook? Boss: Seven hundred. Why?
Tuesday March 29,
2011
Tags fake press relases, new green technology, scientist, 2040 power home, refrigerator door, science
Transcript
Dogbert says, "I'm writing fake press releases for imaginary new green energy technologies." Computer says, "Scientists say that by 2040 you will be able to power your entire home with the breeze from your refrigerator door." Dilbert says, "Now how will I know which green breakthroughs are real?" Dogbert says, "Seriously? You think there are real ones?"
Monday March 28,
2011
Tags dual core processors, brain, disconcerting, email answer
Transcript
Asok says, "To answer your question faster, I'll need to use the two halves of my brain like dual core processors." Asok says, "I'm only warning you because it might be disconcerting to watch." Woman says, "How bad could it be?" Asok says, "Wah-ah-geeee!" Woman says, "Maybe you can e-mail me your answer."
Tuesday March 22,
2011
Tags managers & supervisors, secretaries (office), work ethic, filling in for boss, workstation vacation, being in charge, pverarted, martini glass, drinking, umbrella in drink, secretary, business
Transcript
Alice says, "I'm filling in for your boss this week, and I need twenty copies." Carol says, "That's not how it works. When he's out of the office I take a workstation vacation." Alice says, "I don't like being in charge." Carol says, "I hear it's overrated."
Sunday March 20,
2011
Tags laziness, meetings, buddha jogging, reliability stats, data does not exist, random numbers, deep understanding of reality
Transcript
The Boss says, "Asok, get me the reliability stats for our previous model." Asok says, "I am fairly certain the data does not exist." The Boss says, "Wally can show you how to get it." Wally says, "Come with me." Wally says, "You start by typing random numbers into a spreadsheet." Asok says,"Then what?" Wally says, "Then you're done." Wally says, "All business data is intentionally misleading. I just take it to the next level." Wally says, "A deep understanding of reality is exactly the same thing as laziness." Asok says, "That can't be right." Wally says, "Have you ever seen a statue of Buddha jogging?"
Sunday March 06,
2011
Tags honesty, managers & supervisors, proactive, send email, bad time management, creating illuson, sarcasm, crazy boss, business
Transcript
The Boss says, "You need to be more proactive." Dilbert says, "I can only appear to be proactive if you stop telling me to do things I've already planned." The Boss says, "How am I supposed to know what you plan to do every minute?" Dilbert says, "I could send you an e-mail every time I have a thought." The Boss says, "I don't have time for that!" Dilbert says, "Apparently your bad time management is creating the illusion that I'm not proactive." Dilbert says, "I'll take the liberty of signing you up for a time management class." The Boss says, "Don't do that!" Dilbert says, "So...I should not be proactive?" The Boss says, "Just do what I want before I know I want it." Dilbert says, "I hope the next thing you want is sarcasm."

