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Boss: The engineers think I don't understand what they do all day. Catbert: Maybe it's because you don't. Boss: You too? Wally: My project is late because I had to twizzle the flurm. Boss: Okay, that sounds right.
Boss: It's been six months now and you still haven't fixed our server issue. Dilbert: I didn't know we had a server issue. Boss: That's no excuse. Dilbert: Actually, it's kind of a good excuse. Boss: Now you're making excuses for your excuses!
Boss: We won a government contract to measure ocean temperatures. Dilbert: Which part of the ocean? Boss: The whole ocean. Dilbert: We can't put sensors everywhere in the ocean. It's too big. Boss: We can measure a bunch of places and estimate the rest. Dilbert: So...you want me to measure 1% of the ocean's temperature and estimate the other 99%? I don't know how to do that. Boss: Try using math. Dilbert: Wouldn't it be cheaper to measure nothing and just estimate the whole thing? Boss: Every now and then you come up with a great idea.
Boss: Asok, your employee engagement has been a bit soft this quarter. I expect a higher level of irrational enthusiasm for the endless string of thankless tasks you call your job. Asok: How's this? Boss: I also want to see an unnatural preference for work over leisure.
Boss: And I've improved employee engagement by nineteen percent. CEO: What is employee engagement? Boss: I'm not entirely sure. CEO: Then how do you measure it? Boss: Honestly, I wasn't expecting a lot of questions.
Dogbert: Welcome to Dogbert's school of unconventional self-defense. I'm handing out a list of my personal enemies. Your homework is to kill them before sunrise. Voice: That isn't self-defense. Dogbert: Wow. All you can think about is you, you, you.
Dilbert: We're getting sued for claiming out headphones cure brain tumor and raise your IQ. Boss: We'll need to hire a scientist to back us on this. Dilbert: Where will we find a scientist willing to do that? Boss: Well, I wouldn't start with the rich ones.