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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags hidden qaulities, act humble, deitful, manipulative, hypocritical braggart, funny world

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Dilbert is jogging. He says, "I believe its what's inside a person that counts." Dogbert says, "How can you get respect for hidden qualities?" Dilbert says, "You have to act humble while generating as many clues as possible." Dogbert says, "So, you recommend being a deceitful, manipulative, hypocritical braggart." Dilbert says, "It's a funny world." They both sit on a large rock (boulder).

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags excellent job, projects assigned, fifty hours a day, adequate, complete fiduciary misconduct

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Alice says to The Boss, "I estimated the hours it would take to do an excellent job on all the projects you've assigned." Alice says, "That would be a fifty hours a day. So I recalculated for 'adequate' results. That would be forty hours per day." Alice says, "Well, to make a long story short, let's skip down to 'complete fiduciary misconduct.'" The Boss holds his hands over his ears and says, "Blah, blah, blah, blah."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags hideous treatment, employees, elbnina factory, forced to wear clamps, no union, business

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Alice hold a folder and says, "Here's my report on the hideous treatment of employees in our Elbonian factory." The Boss sits at his desk. Alice holds her hands up to her head and says, "The employees are forced to wear huge clamps on their heads." The Boss looks at the report. At the lunch table in the employee cafeteria, Alice, Wally and Dilbert sit with trays of food and large clamps on their heads. Alice says, "Then I said, 'The employees can't complain because they have no union." Wally says "Swift," and he and Dilbert frown.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags Dilbert, waiter, hair, soup, date, men and woman, served, integrity, analysis, comparison, tough, waiters, restaurant, own, lab, problems, hairy, Food, clumps

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Dilbert and a woman sit at a table in a restaurant. Dilbert says, "Waiter, there's a hair in my soup." The waiter says, "It looks like one of yours. I'm sure it wasn't there when I served it." Dilbert says angrily, "It is NOT one of mine!" The waiter replies, "Sir! You insult my integrity!" The waiter says, "I shall send the hair to our lab for analysis." Dilbert replies, "Fair enough." The waiter pulls out some of Dilbert's hair and says, "They'll need a clump of your hair for comparison." Dilbert cries, "Ouch!" Dilbert tells the woman, "You have to be tough with these waiters or else they'll walk all over you." The woman asks, "Does it seem odd to you that the restaurant has it's own lab?" Dilbert replies, "They must have a lot of problems with hairy food." The waiter returns and says, "The lab says they need a few more clumps of your hair . . ."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags Dilbert, Dogbert, science, tools, metal detector, park, buried, plates, jillion, scientific curiosity, phone, numbers, reproduce

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Dilbert tells Dogbert, "I discovered a new tool for meeting women." Dogbert asks, "A metal detector?" Dilbert says, "Exactly, I'll be nonchalantly using it in the park . . ." Dogbert asks, "And you'll find buried women who have metal plates in their heads?" Dilbert replies, "Don't be ridiculous. The odds of finding a live one are about a jillion to one." Dilbert says, "No, I plan to appeal to women's natural scientific curiosity." Dilbert continues, "They'll stike up conversations about how the metal detector works . . . And where they can buy one." Dilbert continues, "Ooh, I'd better bring a note pad to write down all the phone numbers." Dogbert says, "On one paw, I want to help him. On the other paw, maybe it's better if he doesn't ever reproduce."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags Dilbert, alice, Dogbert, plan, techincally, easible, scoff, snort, breat, headcount, proffesional, credibility, risks, engineer

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Dilbert sits at a conference table with three other people. A man says, "Maybe Dilbert can tell us if our plan is technically feasible." Dilbert thinks, "For dramatic effect I'll scoff loudly." Dilbert thinks, "I'll just sort of laugh and snort and take a breath at the same time." Dilbert makes a strange noise. Dilbert thinks, "Oh no! Some spittle went down my air pipe . . . I'm choking." Dilbert falls over in his chair and makes choking noises. A woman asks, "Should we do something?" A man replies, "We're over our headcount, you know." Back at home, Dilbert tells Dogbert, ". . . And so I survived, but my professional credibility took a hit." Dogbert replies, "You knew the risks when you became an engineer."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags the boss, Dilbert, alice, table, introduce, afraid, forget, integrated, work, remember, drawing, norwegian

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The Boss, Dilbert, Wally and Alice sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "I see some new faces. Let's go around the table and introduce ourselves." Dilbert thinks, "I hate this. I'm always afraid I'll forget my name when the pressure is on me." The man next to Dilbert says, ". . . And I've been in the Integrated Design District for four years." Dilbert thinks, "Uh-oh." Dilbert thinks, "People are saying where they work. I can't remember the name of my district." The man concludes, ". . . And there you have it! Ha ha!" Dilbert thinks, "Aaagh! Now they're adding witty comments." Dilbert thinks, "I'm drawing a blank. My only chance is to pretend I only speak Norwegian." Dilbert says, "Norna borna corna dorna fiord cajorda. Ha ha ha!" Back at home, Dilbert tells Dogbert, "The amazing thing is that I get paid the same no matter what I do." Dogbert replies, "Thank God for that."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags Dilbert, lisa, challenge, fear, manliness, drawer, slam, weasels, fling, elevator, rule

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Dilbert says to a woman at a desk, "Uh . . . Lisa, I was wondering if you'd like to go on a date with me." Lisa replies, "I can only date you if you survive the 'challenge of fear.'" Dilbert asks, "What is the 'challenge of fear'?" Lisa replies, "It's a test of your manliness." Lisa explains, "First you must stick your head in the drawer as I slam it shut." Lisa continues, "Then I staple you to the employee bulletin board." Lisa continues, "Live weasels are stuffed in your pants." Dilbert looks nervous. Lisa continues, "Finally, you must fling yourself down the elevator shaft!" Dilbert sticks his head in a drawer and says, "Ready." Lisa looks at the reader and says, "The weird thing is that THEY rule the world."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags Dilbert, dinner, Women, dating, cloth, movie, breathe, coma, play, dead

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Dilbert and a woman sit at a table in a restaurant. The woman says, "Thanks for asking me to dinner, Dilbert." Dilbert replies, "It's my pleas . . ." The woman interrupts, "I love eating out. What kind of tablecloth is this? I saw a movie last month." Dilbert thinks, "Uh-oh . . . She's a serial yakker." The woman says, "Yak yak yak blah blah yak blah yak." Dilbert thinks, "She changes topics without even pausing to breathe." While the woman rambles, Dilbert thinks, "It's too hard to listen. I'm slipping into a coma." Dilbert grabs the tablecloth as he falls over in his chair. The waiter asks, "Is there a problem?" Dilbert lies on the floor. He says, "Run! Save yourself!" The woman starts talking again. The waiter panics and thinks, "Serial yakker!" The waiter falls on top of Dilbert and says, "Help me." Dilbert says, "Shhh! I'm trying to play dead."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags Dilbert, the boss, statistics, productivity, computers, software, program, conclusion, produced, impressive, crashed, decline, responsible, scapegoat

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Dilbert stands across from the Boss's desk and says, "Government statistics show that office productivity went DOWN as computers became widely used." Dilbert continues, "But I didn't believe it." Dilbert says, "So I wrote a little software program to test that conclusion." Dilbert continues, "It only tood a month, but it produced some impressive data." Dilbert continues, "In fact, it was so impressive it took a week to figure out how to print it." Dilbert continues, "But before I could print, my computer crashed and I didn't have backup copies." Dilbert concludes, "So, it seems the government was right; computers are to blame for the decline in productivity." The Boss asks, "Do you think the employees could be partly responsible?" Dilbert replies, "Sure, find a scapegoat."