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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags bob, self esteem, improve, job, opening, procurement dept, hit people, with tail, prevent desired computers, business

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Bob the Dinosaur sits on Dilbert's couch with his head down. Dilbert tells him, "Bob, your self-esteem might improve if you got a job." Bob replies, "As what?" Dilbert says, "There's an opening in our procurement department. You'd be perfect." Bob asks, "What does procurement do?" Dilbert replies, "Their job is to prevent us from getting the computers we want." Bob asks, "Can I hit people with my tail?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags proposed work, plan, stress test, product, network conditions, accomplish, downloading, large image files, servers, on net, naughty pictures

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The Boss, Wally and Dilbert sit around a conference table. Wally hands the Boss a piece of paper and says, "My proposed work plan for the year is to stress-test our product under severe network conditions." Wally continues, "I will accomplish this by downloading large image files from the busiest servers on the net." As Wally and Dilbert walk away from the meeting, Wally comments, "I was THIS close to making it my job to download naughty pictures." Dilbert says, "It's just as well; I would have had to kill you."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags boss late, small talk, meet with marketing, outfir, chair is springy

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Wally, Alice and Dilbert sit around a conference table. Wally says, "As usual, the boss is late. What do you want to do?" Dilbert suggests, "Let's practice making small talk. It'll come in handy when we meet with marketing." Wally begins, "So, Alice, haven't we seen that outfit a LOT?" Dilbert leans back in his chair and says, "This chair is springy. Do you think they're all springy?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags few suggestions, alice's document, bonk, guards to document, obtuse acronyms, jargon, multi topic sentences, stubby, plastic stautes

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Alice sits at her desk. Wally enters and says, "I had a few suggestions on your document, Alice." Wally bangs his head on her monitor. Alice says, "Thanks." The Boss approaches Alice's desk and says, "I've made some upgrades to your document, Alice." Alice looks at the paper and says, "That's just what it needed: a bunch of obtuse acronyms and jargon." Alice continues, "Oooh, looky! You've also made elegant multi-topic sentences out of my stubby clear ones!" The Boss replies, "Thank you. And put me down as the author since I'm the boss." Alice says, "Maybe I should distribute little plastic statues of you with every copy. How about that?" Alice hands Dilbert a statue and a document and says, "Here's your copy, here's your statue, don't ask." Dilbert says, "Our quality is low, but at least we don't get credit."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags suggestions, good idea, doubtful of wally, seen in book, no confidence, employee morale, abilities

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The Boss, Wally and Dilbert sit around a conference table. The Boss says, "That's an interesting suggestion, Wally. But if it's a good idea, why aren't other companies doing it?" Waving his hands wildly, Wally yells angrily, "Can you imagine in your WILDEST dreams that maybe, just MAYBE I had a good idea that nobody else thought of?!!" The Boss comments, "You must have seen it in a book." Wally says, "Thanks for the confidence in my abilities." Dilbert interjects, "You read a book?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags cahnges, corporate culture, longer hours, without pay, management says same, team, vapid slogans, notepads, useless meetings, culture change, fad menu, rule by fear, business

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The Boss, Dilbert, Wally and Alice sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "I've decided to make some changes to our corporate culture." Wally says, "Let me guess what that means." Wally continues, "We'll work longer hours without extra pay . . ." Wally continues, "Your management style will remain exactly the same because Lord knows there's no need for YOU to change." Dilbert adds, "We'll start calling ourselves a 'team' so it doesn't seem like work!" Alice covers her eyes and says, "I predict there will be vapid slogans printed on notepads, and maybe some useless meetings." Dilbert says, "She's psychic!" Dilbert asks, "Is is just me or is the culture already changing?" Wally shouts, "I feel it! We're changing!" Wally looks at the agenda and asks, "What's next on the fad menu?" The Boss thinks, "I wonder if it's too late to rule by fear."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags start documenting, market requirements, design skills, rewarding, work, doo hickey

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Dilbert and Stan from marketing sit at a conference table. As he types on a laptop, Dilbert tells Stan, "Okay, let's start by documenting your market requirements." Stan responds, "No, let's start by you telling me all the things you can design. Then I'll tell you which one I like." Dilbert says, "Work can be very rewarding. You should try it." Stan points to Dilbert's portable PC and asks, "What's that doohickey you have there?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags saint dogbert, stale overused jokes, information super highway, roadkill, super highway

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Dogbert, Alice, Wally and a man sit at a conference table. Dogbert is wearing a bishop's miter and holding a scepter. Dogbert announces, "I am Saint Dogbert. I have come to drive out the stale and overused jokes about the information superhighway." The man comments, "Sometimes I feel like roadkill on the information superhighway!" Dogbert knocks the man out with a blow to the head. Dogbert faces the reader and says, "Don't make me come over there!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags teamwork, egyptians, pyramids, slaves, built by slaves, shooting, guided by ufos

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The Boss, Dilbert and Alice sit around a conference table. The Boss says, "I want us to have the same kind of teamwork as the Egyptians who built the pyramids!" Alice comments, "Some scholars believe the pyramids were built by slaves." The Boss replies, "But there's some doubt; that's all I'm shooting for." Dilbert says, "I think THEY were guided by UFOs too."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags reprogrammed dna, marketing guys, heavens sake, thank you, power of suggestion

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As they walk down a corridor, Alice says to Dilbert, "Maybe you shouldn't have told Stan you programmed his DNA through the LAN." Alice continues, "Those marketing guys believe anything. They even believe market research, for heaven's sake." As Stan approaches, Alice says, "There's no telling what the power of suggestion might do." Stan, whose facial features now resemble those of a weasel, says to Dilbert, "Well, thank you very much."