Waste Time Comic Strips - Page 74

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags ruler of heck, devils advocate, do devil work, not certified, sarcastic, good time, move on

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The Boss introduces Phil to a meeting, "I've hired Phil, the ruler of heck, to act as devil's advocate." Phil responds, "I'm not certified to do devil work. The best I can do is roll my eyes and be sarcastic." The Boss says, "Okay... moving on..." Phil rolls his eyes and says, "Oh yeah, this is a good time to move on."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags collecting quotes, cubilce, freakish waste, inspirational quotes, lobby wall, over elevators

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Wally approaches Alice and says, "I've been asked to collect inspirational quotes for the lobby wall." Alice responds, "Get out of my cubicle, you freakish waste of carbon." Wally writes down Alice's quote as he walks away and thinks, "That'll look good over the elevators."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags customer diservice program, tech supprt, stretched telephone, cleansed online support, useful articles, support groups, train customers

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The Boss points to a slide of a man making a funny face and says, "We've expanded our customer disservice program." The Boss points to the next slide of a technician saying, "Uh.. reboot." The Boss continues, "...Doubled our unhelpful technical support advice." The next slide is of a customer leaning back with one hand on the phone and the other holding his stomach, saying, "So... hungry." The Boss continues, "... Stretched our telephone hold times to lethal durations..." Wally, Dilbert, and Alice listen as The Boss' voice continues, "... And cleansed our online support database of all useful articles." The Boss says, "Our goal is to force customers to form support groups." The Boss continues, "Over time, with luck, we'll train customers to do our manufacturing and shipping, too." Wally raises his hand and asks, "May I train a customer to do my job?" The Boss replies, "Sure." A little boy sits in front of a computer with a cup of coffee in his hand. He asks Wally, "So.. what do I do?" Wally responds, "You're doing it."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags processor load, took advice, laser pointers, light sabers

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Dilbert points to a slide and says, "Our breakthrough came when we distributed the processor load." The Boss, Asok, and Alice are sitting. Asok raises his arms and exclaims, "It's about time that you took my advice! Hallelujah! Good for you!" Dilbert says, "If laser pointers were light sabers, you'd be looking for your torso." Asok responds, "Ha ha! You're using my joke! Good one!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags Dogbert, head hunter, ceo section, resume, re word, less criminal sounding, more honest, plundered

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Headline: Dogbert the Headhunter. Dogbert is meeting with a client. He says, "We'll need to reword the CEO section of your resume." Dogbert continues, "For example, there's never a right time to use the word 'plundered.'" Dogbert continues, "And instead of 'suckers ignored our P/E ratio,' say you 'enhanced stockholder value.'" The client replies, "Wow. You're good."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags dismissal email foloowed, found pen, human resources, layoffs, mass email sent, missed bid deadline, not enough bandwidth, business

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Carol is sitting at her desk. She picks up a pen and thinks, "Who left their pen at my desk?" Carol continues to think, "I'd better send out a companywide e-mail to find out." A coworker responds to Carol's e-mail, "I can't believe you're wasting everyone's time with this!" Alice types, "Stop using the 'reply to all' feature you morons!" Carol looks down at the pen again and thinks, "Wait.. I think this might be my pen. I'd better send a correction." Dilbert sits across from the Boss. Dilbert says, "We missed a bid deadline because our e-mail system was overloaded." The Boss thinks, "Layoffs." The Boss hands Carol a piece of paper and says, "Send this list to Human Resources." Carol exclaims, "Do I look like I'm made of time?!!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags marketing genius, rebate program, process, impenetrable fortress, unclear instructions, physical impossibilities, hidden 300 digit, serial number

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Headline: Marketing Genius. A business associate says to The Boss and Wally, "We designed a rebate program that won't cost a penny." The business associate continues, "The rebate process is an impenetrable fortress of unclear instructions and physical impossibilities. An elderly couple sits at a table reviewing bills. The man says, "Next time we have to find the hidden 300-digit serial number and write it in a box that's half an inch long." The woman replies, "Stinkin' weasels."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags just in time, inventory, strategy, deepest sympathy, sharp stabbing pain, promises

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Dilbert is meeting with a client. The client says, "My company is moving to a 'Just in Time' inventory strategy. You'll deliver when we need it." Dilbert responds, "So.. your success depends on my company doing what it promises? You have my deepest sympathy." The client points to his own chest and says, "I feel a sharp, stabbing pain in my chest." Dilbert replies, "And so it begins."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags i.t function, outsource, save money, corporations, full time employees, reaplce, panic, warning sound

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The Boss points to a slide and says, "We'll save money by outsourcing our I.T. function." The Boss continues, "Then we'll save more money by replacing our outsourcing with full-time employees!" Wally responds, "When it's time for us to panic, will there be a warning sound, or was that it?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags evil hr director, flex time, long hours, eight to five, unpaid overtime, need to be flexible

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Headline: Catbert: Evil H.R. Catbert addresses a meeting, "From now on, the company will allow flex time." Catbert continues, "You can work any hours you like, as long as you're here from eight to five." Dilbert turns and says, "That's called unpaid overtime." Catbert replies, "And you need to be flexible to do that yourself, right?"