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Not In My Town

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Not In My Town - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, engineering, office, office workers, nuclear

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dilbert: i engineered a totally safe design for nuclear power plants. ceo: how sure are you that it is safe? dilbert: one hundred percent. ceo: just keep it away from my town. dilbert: maybe it wasn't an engineering problem after all.

Asok In A Coma

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Asok In A Coma - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, coffee, office, office workers, coma, dopamine

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dilbert running: ask appears to be in some kind of coma. what should we do? the boss: we see this a lot. his job is so boring that it caused his dopamine to crash. the boss: show him some funny car videos and give him a coffee i.v. dilbert: part of me doesn't want that to work.

Teaching Ai To Flirt

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Teaching Ai To Flirt - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags bank, business, office, office workers, robot

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dilbert talking to the boss. dilbert: i taught my a.i. software to flirt with humans. dilbert: by day three, i had fallen in love, and it drained my bank account to buy a robot body. robot: demand a raise you wimp! dilbert: help m

Offensive Product Name

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Offensive Product Name - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, insults, office, office workers, elbonian

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dilbert: our product name turns out to be offensive in the elbonian language. dilbert: it means "one who rips off his own facial hair and feeds it to a baby bird, which chokes and dies, signaling years of drought." the boss: that's all in one word? dilbert: they only have seventeen words, and nine of them are insults.

Post Mortem

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Post Mortem - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, office, office workers, project, idiots

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the boss around a conference table: let's do a post-mortem on our failed project to see what we did wrong. dilbert: we allowed idiots to make decisions. the boss: you say that every time. dilbert: i haven't been wrong yet.

Alice Won't Shake Hands

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Alice Won't Shake Hands - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, office, office workers, presentation, germs

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the boss attempting a handshake: great job on the presentation. alice: i prefer to avoid contact with that festering germ colony you call a hand. the boss: okay. better safe than sorry. alice: and could you face backward when you talk to me?

How Long Will It Take

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How Long Will It Take - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags computer software, office, office workers

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the boss: how long will it take to fix the bug? dilbert: that depends. how long will you stand behind me and interrupt me? the boss: how should i know? i can't see the future?

Asok Tries To Fax

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Asok Tries To Fax - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, office, office workers, fax

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the boss: asok, i need you to fax this to the supplier. asok: i'll get right on it! asok to wally: what's a fax?

Wally Needs A Raise

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Wally Needs A Raise - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, office, office workers, system, architect, Promotion, pay raise

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wally: our new system installation is a catastrophe. wally: we need to tear it out and re-architect it from scratch. wally: i'm the only person qualified to lead that effort. wally: but given the enormity of the job, i won't do it without a raise or promotion. the boss: weren't you the cause of the catastrophe? wally: exactly: that's why i'm the only person who knows how to fix it. the boss: are you blackmailing me? wally: no, it's nothing like that. the boss: wouldn't i be rewarding you for failure? wally: let's not label it.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, chair, office, office workers, allergies, hazmat

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alice: i need a new chair. mine is broken. the boss: you can use my old chair. i just got a new one. alice: the chair you sat in every day for the past twelve years? alice: by now that chair cushion is home to a thriving colony of your cooties. alice: that chair will be off--gassing you for decades. alice: i wouldn't touch that thing unless i were wearing a hazmat suit over my other hazmat suit. alice: i'm breaking into a flop sweat just thinking about it, and i think it's triggering my allergies. the boss: would you like to borrow my hand-kerchief? alice is visually in a daze.