Work Comic Strips - Page 76

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags wally reflctor, bad people, make you work, offer no resistance, order made, requires work. they blow it off, no work necessary

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Asok: the move that I ma about to teach you is called the "wally reflects" Wally: Throughout the day bad people will try to make you do work of for them. At first, offer no resistance, as if you actually plan to do the work. Then ask the offender to do a little bit of work himself. Allow me to demonstrate. Wally, I need to design a data base for all of our product features and services. Wally: Glad to do it! Wally: all i need from you is a comprehensive list of the dats fields you need included. Oh...wow Im really busy, I;ll had et get back to you on that. and I'll never see that idiot again. You inspire me. In a creepy kind of way.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags wrong budget, no probelms, unrealitic, failure, deceptive forecstas, believe the lie, deception, optimism, few hours, perfect budget

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"This budget would only work if the project encountered no problems whatsoever." "So?" "All projects have unexpected problems. Therefore, this budget is almost certainly wrong." "Leaders do not plan for failure." "Do leaders make deceptive forecasts and later act shocked when things don't work out?" "No." "A leader first makes himself believe the lie, thus turning deception into an inspiring form of optimism. Observe." "GAAA!!! BELIEVE! BELIEVE!" "The swelling will go down in a few hours. Then we'll have a perfect budget." "What?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags must bride, elbonians, nuclear weapon, microwave instead, persian rugs

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Dilbert: The Elbonians won't do business with my company unless we bribe them. Dogbert: offer to give them plans for building a nuclear weapon, Then give them plans to build microwave ovens instead. Dilbert: would that work? Dogbert: why do you think our garage is full of persona rugs?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags director of marketing, ideas, undercuts authority, boss, putrid boss, bullying, initative, hammered

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"I have a great idea." "I was chatting with the director of marketing and we...." "WHAT?!!" "Never discuss ideas with the director of marketing! Never!" "Erk!" "You work for me! When you talk to others managers it undercuts my authority!" "If I accept ideas from another manager, it's just like he's my boss!" "Amazing! Did you know that your behavior is described on page 27 of the 'Putrid Boss' Book? It's the chapter on killing initiative and bullying!" "That's fascinating. Now let me show you something that isn't in the book." "It looks like someone has been showing initiative." "Please shut up."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags brain transplant, ask anything, roman general crossing rubicon, dijon, vinagrette

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Dilbert: How'd your brain transplant work out? The Boss: Great . ask me anything. Dilbert: What roman general was famous for crossing the rubicon river? Caesar Dilbert: wow thats right. The boss: Phew! Im glad I didn't ho with dijon vinagarette

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags my hat, can't see, perfect for job, reverse psychology, potentail jumpers

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"I understand that you have an opening for a negotiator who deals with potential jumpers." "I can't see you because my hat is in the way, but you sound perfect for the job." "Your reverse psychology didn't work." "What reverse psychology?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags accomplishments, iso 9000, sei policies, new policy, comply, head spin, imagination, pretending to work

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Wally: "My accomplishments this month include complying with our ISO 9000, Sarbanes-Oxley and SEI-5 policies." "And if you make a new policy, I will comply with it so fast it will make your head spin!" "Is it my imagination or is pretending to work getting easier?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags new director, wist decision support, out source contracts, north elbonia, government reward

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"My job could not be more meaningless." "I'm looking at my new Director of Post-Decision Support!" "After I make a decision, your job is to figure out why it was the right one." "Save those tears of joy for later. We've got work to do!" "SOB!" "I decided to outsource our nuclear contracts to North Elbonia." "And in return, they'll give us food, if they ever figure out how to grow any." "I expect some fallout from this decision." "Me too." "On the plus side, it won't be long before there's a government reward for killing him."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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I need you to pick up Ted's function. "No problem. I have infinite capacity to do more work as long as you don't mind that my quality approaches zero." "Or are you asking me to do something that's logically impossible?" "I think I hate you."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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"Wally, I've been watching you for half an hour and you've done no work." "I'm waiting for my program to compile while I design the next module in my head." "Could you grimace so I know you're working?" "Here you go."