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Alice: Okay, Skype. Let's see if I can figure out how to shut you down. Close! Quit! Sign out! Minimize! Quit! Yes! Close! Quit! Die! Die! Die! Dilbert: Did you close Skype. Alice: Almost. I'm heading to the ocean to drown it.
Dilbert: This is Alice. You need to know two things about her. When she feels stressed-out she gets angry. Alice: Tell him the second thing! Dilbert: She's always stressed-out.
Dilbert: Wally, I want you to create a new business strategy for the company. Then use your laptop in a coffee shop that has public access to wi-fi. Hackers will get into your computer in minutes and steal your strategy document. With any luck, the hackers will sell those secrets to our competitors. Obviously, we would never use any strategy you created, so our competitors will be misled. Wally: So... you want me to do a bad job on an assignment and then go drink coffee? Boss: Can you handle that? Wally: I like my odds. Dilbert: Why do you want a copy of our business strategy? Wally: It'll save a step.
Boss: I hired a consultant from the respected firm Booz Muhkidney. Consultant: My life is a nightmare of business travel, loneliness, and sleep deprivation. I'm only 25 years old! Boss: It's a travel day. He'll calm down after he drinks lunch.
Dilbert: Email is down again. Mordac: The only guy who can fix it is in the hospital. Dilbert: So... if he dies, we can never again have email? Mordac: Maybe. Dilbert: Is there any way I can reach him? Mordac: Wait a week and try a Oiji board.
Boss: Are you sure the data you gave me is correct? Dilbert: I've been giving you incorrect data for years. This is the first time you've asked. Boss: What? Dilbert: I said the data is totally accurate.
Dilbert: How much wearable tech can I use before I'm technically a cyborg? Garbage Man: It doesn't matter because you're a software simulation created by humans who perished after the technological singularity. And you're programmed to scoff at what I just said. Dilbert: Crazy old coot.
Dilbert: My artificial intelligence software passes the PHB test. That means I can hide it behind a curtain and people won't know if they're talking to a computer or a pointy-haired boss. Computer, what is HTML5? Computer: Beats me. Boss: I was going to say that!
Dilbert: My software can't pass a standard Turing test yet, but it does pass the pointy-haired boss test. Computer, I have a question about our company strategy. Computer: Try working smarter. Dilbert: That doesn't even make sense! CEO: I wasn't prepared to like it, but you won me over.
Dilbert: Bill Ackman just took a huge short position in our stock. Boss: I"m not worried about a cartoon cat from an old "Bloom County" comic strip. Dilbert: Maybe I care too much. Wally: That is the mantra of all defective people.