Not Give Raise Comic Strips - Page 78

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Wally Gives Back The Baby

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Wally Gives Back The Baby - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #gender, #misunderstanding, #obliviousness, #Parenting, #adoption

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Dilbert: How's your adopted Elbonian baby doing? Wally: I had to give it back. It was a lot needier than I expected. Dilbert: Was the baby a boy or a girl? Wally: How would I know? It couldn't even speak yet.

Asok Moves Into A Pod

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Asok Moves Into A Pod - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #employment, #finances, #home, #money, #office workers, #salary, #apartment

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Asok: Thanks to my raise, I can afford to move out of my home in the men's restroom stall and into a pod. Dilbert: A pod? Asok: A pod! Dilbert: Is it better than the stall? Asok: It's smaller, but better appointed.

Wally Monetizes His Pet Status

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Wally Monetizes His Pet Status - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #boss, #criticism, #employees, #managers & supervisors, #money, #office workers, #bribe

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Carol: I hear you're our boss's new pet employee. Please don't tell him all of the bad things I have said about him behind his back. I'll give you a hundred dollars if you keep quiet. Wally: I knew I could monetize this.

Wally Has Higher Income

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Wally Has Higher Income - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #lying, #managers & supervisors, #money, #office workers, #bribe, #salary

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Wally: Now that I'm the boss's new pet employee, my income is higher than ever. Dilbert: I didn't realize it came with a raise. Wally: It's more of an indirect thing. Man: I'll give you $100 to tell the boss good things about me. Wally: My price for lying is $200.

Nervous About Presentation

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Nervous About Presentation - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Advice, #managers & supervisors, #nervous, #office workers, #presentation

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Dilbert: I'm nervous about the presentation I have to give to the board. Do you have any advice? Boss: Don't blow it, or else I'll fire you. Dilbert: I heard it's good to imagine the audience naked. Boss: Report yourself to H.R.

New Tv Ad

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New Tv Ad - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #argument, #business ethics, #marketing, #men and women, #office workers, #relations between the sexes, #accuse

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Dilbert: Ben, from marketing, is here to give us a preview of our new tv ad. Ben: The opening scene shows a bunch of men who are weak and stupid, failing to solve a common problem. Then a confident and strong woman enters and solves the problem with ease. Dilbert: Isn't that incredibly sexist? Ben: No, because only the men are weak and stupid. Dilbert: And that's not sexist? Ben: Why are you being so weak and stupid? You sound like a bigot. Dilbert: I'll be quiet now. Wally: As quickly as it began, the rebellion was quashed.

Performance Versus Pay

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Performance Versus Pay - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #angry, #big business, #employees, #irritation, #managers & supervisors, #money, #salary

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Boss: I can't give you a bonus this year because we paid too much to buy another company. Dilbert: Are you saying my efforts and my rewards are no longer linked? Boss: Noooo. I'm not saying anything like that. I'm just saying your compensation isn't influenced by your performance. Dilbert: That's the same thing! Boss: Teamwork means we all share the rewards and we all have to share the pain. Dilbert: Does that mean management won't be getting bonuses either? Boss: Now you've made it awkward.

Wally Has Skills

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Wally Has Skills - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business, #managers & supervisors, #performance, #review, #robot, #design, #skills

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boss: wally, your performance is substandard. wally: give me a great performance review, or else i'll design a robot that will take your job. boss: you could do that? wally: i have the skills. i just don't like to use them.

What If You Are In A Coma

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What If You Are In A Coma - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business, #cell phone, #client, #stupid, #liar, #insult, #understand, #die, #coma

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phone conversation dilbert: if you have any problems with the software, just give me a call. client: what if you die or you're in a coma? dilbert: well, in those cases i would not return your call. client: so you're lying about getting back to me. dilbert: no, i'm making a normal kind of generalization, which i assumed you would understand. client: okay, so now you're calling me stupid, and you're a liar? dilbert: if a liar calls you stupid, wouldn't that mean you are smart? client: fair point dilbert: thanks, i'm proud of it.

Dilbert Gets A Mentor

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Dilbert Gets A Mentor - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #managers & supervisors, #Advice, #mentor, #productivity, #operations, #vice president, #pressure, #trick

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boss: i heard you asked our v.p. of operations to be your mentor. why didn't you tell me you needed some mentoring? i'm full of useful advice. dilbert: such as? boss: well... not you're putting me on the spot. it's hard to think of advice while you're pressuring me. maybe you could give me a scenario, and then i'll tell you what to do. dilbert: okay, suppose my boss is ruining my productivity by yammering about his great advice. what can i do? boss: that feels like a trick question. dilbert: our v.p. of operations could answer it.