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Bad Qualities Cancel Out

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Bad Qualities Cancel Out - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, business ethics, managers & supervisors, qualities, character, cancel, micro-manage, lazy, backstabbing, brave, lie, credibility, believe, employees, success, manager, random, sarcasm

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boss: all of my bad qualities see to be canceling each other out. for example, i want to micro-manage my staff, bi=ut i'm too lazy. and i want to do some corporate backstabbing, but i'm not that brave. i enjoy lying, and i'd like to do more of it, but my credibility is so low that no one believes me. i want to mock my employees for their mistakes, but i don't understand enough about what they do to know when they are doing it wrong. i want to take credit for the successes of my employees, but i don't give them enough support to succeed. carol: our set just called. he says he is naming you the manager of the year. boss: he must be deeply uninformed. carol: yes, but he's also lazy, so he pocked you randomly.

Robot Calls

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Robot Calls - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, technology, robot, intelligence, human, indistinguishable, Number, recognize, rule, earth

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voice coming from phone: as soon as robot intelligence is indistinguishable from home, the robots will rule the earth! dilbert: i don't recognize this number. who are you? please don't say a robot. voice: let's just say only one of us will rot.

High Morale

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High Morale - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, sarcasm, technology, happy, embezzling, morale, employee engagement, train, mock, maockery

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dilbert singing and dancing. boss: you seem way too happy about your job. are you embezzling? dilbert: no, i'm experiencing great morale and high employee engagement, just the way you trained me. boss: that actually works? dilbert: it did until you made a mockery of it just now.

Everyone Is An Idiot

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Everyone Is An Idiot - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, office workers, sarcasm, world, idiot, serious

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alice: sometimes, asok, i think everyone in the world is an idiot except for you and me. asok: i can't tell if you are serious. alice: i guess it's down to just me.

Still Get Paid

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Still Get Paid - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags office workers, colleagues, unreliable, false, true, paid, process, believe, sarcasm

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tina: i've been keeping a running list, and it seems that 100% of the things you told me this year have been false. wally: and we both got paid, so what's your point? tina: i...don't know how to process that. wally: i'd tell you, but apparently you wouldn't believe me.

Boss Traveling Through Hot Spots

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Boss Traveling Through Hot Spots - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags airlines, business, managers & supervisors, sarcasm, booking, flight, airline, coronavirus, die, Promotion, greedy, demise, reward

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boss: it seems you are booking all of my connecting flights in coronavirus hot spots. you do realize that if i die, you don't get promoted to my job, right? carol: i'm not greedy. your demise would be reward enough.

Captcha

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Captcha  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, sarcasm, technology, application, app, robot, ability, evidence, explaination, moron, sense

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boss: gaaa! why can't i ever type the captcha letters correctly to get into this app? dilbert: your inability to prove you are not a robot is strong evidence that you are, in fact, a robot. boss: yes, that makes sense. dilbert: the other explanation is that you are a moron, and you know that isn't true, so...

Vaccine

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Vaccine - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, business ethics, covid-19, sarcasm, vaccine, pharma, company, target, safety, efficacy

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boss: i'm happy to announce that our company has produced a vaccine for covid-19. dilbert: how did we do that? we're not even a pharma company. boss: i'm not going to lie. we had to cut some corners to get it done. dilbert: such as... boss: well, for example... we couldn't meet every single target we hoped to achieve. dilbert: how many targets did we miss? boss: only two things. dilbert: safety and efficacy? boss: okay, four things.

I'm A Loseer

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I'm A Loseer - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, idea, office workers, ridiculous, problem, loser, Win, Lose, feeling

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colleague: your idea is ridiculous and it will never work! oh, wait... i just realized the real problem here is that i'm a loser who doesn't want anyone else to win. dilbert: that's something you don't see often. colleague: okay, the feeling passed.

Every Expert Says

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Every Expert Says - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, idea, technology, work, old, new, future, expert, entrepreneurs, worldview

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boss: every expert in the world says your idea can't work. dilbert: experts only know about old ideas. if they knew about future ones, they would be entrepreneurs, not experts. boss: well, my entire worldview just collapsed. dilbert: sorry