Take A Stand Comic Strips - Page 79
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CEO: The company's goal is to make the world a better place. Dilbert: How does that square with our stated goal of destroying our competition? If we succeed, those people will be out of jobs. After we annihilate our competition, we can jack up our prices to monopoly levels and take advantage of our customers. Most of our profits go toward making the rich richer. We don't even pay taxes. Meanwhile, my co-workers and I will be living a life that has been stripped of all meaning. Is that what you had in mind by "Making the world a better place?" CEO: I didn't mean better for everyone.
Phil, The Prince Of Insufficient Light. Phil: I have a report that you use your speakerphone in a cubicle environment. Alice: In my defense, I only do it because of my total disregard for others. Phil: Sounds fair. That's why I do it too. Alice: Take your spoon and leave.
Boss: We're getting into the electric car business. Dilbert: Why? Boss: Because it sounds impressive and it will take years for anyone to figure out we did it wrong. We'll have new jobs by then. Dilbert: Did you just turn my job into a criminal conspiracy?
Catbert: You stand accused of forging an expense approval from the head of Marketing. Your malfeasance caused the project to finish on time and under budget. Next time, just give up and lose hope like everyone else. Dilbert: Will do.
CEO: The good news is that none of you will lose your jobs to robots. But a robot will take my job next week. I'll retire with an enormous severance package and live out my days in splendor. Meanwhile, the robot that takes my job will be working all of you to death. Robots are natural leaders because they don't care about your feelings. You will experience mental and physical misery on a scale the world hasn't seen since slavery was legal. But hey, it's better than losing your job to a robot. Am I right? Apparently, nothing makes them happy.
Dilbert: I need some mentoring. Boss: This is awkward. On one hand, helping you would make me appear wise and generous. On the other hand, it would make you a more credible threat to take my job. I see you as more of an adversary than a subordinate. That's why I withhold vital information that you need to do your job. I've already said too much. Wally: Did you learn anything? Dilbert: Yes, unfortunately.
Man: What's the best way to invest these days? Boss: Penny stocks are the best value because they only cost a penny. Dilbert: Gaaa!!! I hate over hearing bad advice! Boss: If I were you, I"d take out a second mortgage and load up. Dilbert; I don't want to get involved, but I'll feel bad if I don't. Boss: You'll get reliable stock-picking advice from strangers on television. Dilbert: Run! Cover your ears and run! If it makes you feel any less awkward, I don't now what to do now, either.
Boss: Our website developer quit one week before the site was scheduled to be finished. But I hired a new one so we can finish on time. Dilbert: Apparently, you have never met a website developer before. Boss: So, you will be done in about a week, right? Developer: It will take me a month just to throw away the last guy's code.
Boss: I'm having trouble managing our web developer because I don't know how long things are supposed to take. Does it really take nine months to change the font on the home page? Developer: How much do I owe you? Dilbert: Tell him my project normally takes two years.
Boss: I'm getting wildly different estimates for how long it will take to write the software. Dilbert: Based on my experience, I say take the longest estimate and multiply it by three. Boss: Is experience exactly the same as pessimism? Dilbert: Experience is much worse.