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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 22, 2015's comic on:


Tags #modernity, #reality, #thinking, #frustration, #panic, #existentialism, #existence, #meaning of life

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Dilbert: Looks like another day of flailing toward arbitrary goals. I will battle my way through a sea of idiots, much like the zombie apocalypse. My ego will be tested and my nervous system will be degraded. And all of this is to earn money so I can... buy items that scientists and product designers have brainwashed me to crave. But I get back at them by writing software they think they can't live without. My life is like two piles of meat trying to play ping pong. Alice: Stop mumbling and take care of this. Dilbert: You take care of it.

Clarifying Our Strategies

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Clarifying Our Strategies - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 13, 2015's comic on:


Tags #jargon, #speaking, #confusion, #language, #obliviousness, #managers, #fake, #faking

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Boss: I hope that clarifies our strategy. Questions? Dilbert: From what you said, I can't tell if we're in the hardware or software business. Boss: We're B-to-B. Dilbert: How much do you with that meant something?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 06, 2015's comic on:


Tags #quality, #work ethic, #shortcut, #laziness, #defective, #awards, #engineer, #engineering

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CEO: Congratulations to everyone who worked on our new laptop design. As I call your name, come up and get your certificate of accomplishment. Alice was in charge of the hardware and won several design awards. Dilbert was in charge of the award-winning software. And... Wally designed the power brick that weighs more than the laptop...and comes apart for no apparent reason. We probably won't show this in our ads. Wally: Hey, I worked on that for almost an hour!

Dilbert Has Free Will

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Dilbert Has Free Will - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 20, 2015's comic on:


Tags #free will, #crime, #invention, #murder, #control, #self control, #guilt, #innocence

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Police Officer: Halt! You are under arrest for killing Ted in a cafeteria fight. Dilbert: I am innocent. My brain stimulator had a software glitch that made me do it. Police Officer: But you had free will, right? Dilbert: Do I have to believe in magic just to get arrested?

Software Killed Ted

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Software Killed Ted - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 19, 2015's comic on:


Tags #invention, #software, #free will, #behavior, #murder, #anger, #glitch, #malfunction, #control, #self control, #psychology, #engineering

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Boss: I have a report that you killed Ted in a cafeteria brawl. Dilbert: Not exactly. My brain stimulator had a software glitch, and it made me homicidal for a minute. Boss: So... you're a murderer, right? Dilbert: Software killed Ted. I was only the weapon.

Brain Scan And 3 D Scanner

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Brain Scan And 3 D Scanner - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 21, 2015's comic on:


Tags #replication, #technology, #clone, #playing god, #doppelganger

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Dilbert: My invention can scan the human brain and duplicate it in software. I combined that technology with a 3-D printer that makes human body parts. Boss: What does it all do? Replicant: He's getting to the good part.

Dogbert The Product Designer

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Dogbert The Product Designer - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 21, 2015's comic on:


Tags #annoy people, #frustration, #packaging, #product design, #sadism, #software, #torture, #product code, #engineering

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Dogbert the Product Designer. Dogbert: The main goal of product design is to annoy people for no reason. We'll start by making so much extra packaging that you need to rent a truck just to haul it away. Voice: We sell software. Man: I found the product code for downloading the software!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 01, 2015's comic on:


Tags #computers, #customer service, #frustration, #installing drivers, #software, #tech support, #technical support, #technology, #engineering

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Dogbert's Tech Support. Dilbert: The error message says my copy of Windows is not genuine. Dogbert" I'll walk you through a series of steps that won't work. Dilbert: Wait... what? Dogbert: After seventeen attempts that involve rebooting, you will lose hope. At some point you will give up and buy a new computer just to be done with it all. We'll start by uninstalling all of your drivers and reinstalling. Dilbert: Can I skip all of the useless steps and just buy a new computer? Dogbert: Sure, but you don't need to be a jerk about it.

Selling Bad Software Is Like Crime

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Selling Bad Software Is Like Crime - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 27, 2015's comic on:


Tags #big business, #business, #criminals, #user interface, #software, #lower tax rate, #engineering

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Dilbert: Our tests show that people can't figure out how to use our software. And yet we still sell it. How are we different from criminals? Boss: Our tax rate is lower.

Wally Working In The Cloud

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Wally Working In The Cloud - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 08, 2014's comic on:


Tags #deception, #laziness, #the cloud, #work ethic, #software, #issues, #cell coverage, #home, #doing nothing, #engineering

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Wally: If you need me, I'll be in the cloud fixing a software issue. There's no cell coverage in the cloud, so it might seem to you as if I am at home doing nothing. If you need me, I'll be at home doing nothing. Dilbert: Why would anyone need you?