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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 07, 2007's comic on:


Tags #mandatory meeting, #health and well being, #theme of meeting, #healthy employees are unprodcutive, #exercsing, #eating fruit, #work hard and die, #feel sick, #right on schedule

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The Boss: Tomorrow is the mandatory meeting on employee health and well-being. "The meeting starts at 6 A.M. So it will interfere with your sleep and not your work." Dilbert: "Doesn't that send a message that work is more important than health?" The Boss: "I hope so. That's the theme of the meeting." "Healthy employees are unproductive." "They're always exercising or eating fruit when they should be working." "We prefer employees who work hard and die before their pensions start paying out." Dilbert: "Suddenly I feel sick." The Boss: "Right on schedule!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 08, 2007's comic on:


Tags #prototype, #killed asok, #clone, #reincarnate, #snack jar, #snicker, #feel nuts

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"Your prototype killed Asok. That means it is your job to clone him and hope he reincarnates into the clone." "Carol used his DNA container for a snack jar, so be careful." "Why do I feel nuts?" "You're part snickers bar."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 20, 2005's comic on:


Tags #pre meeting, #problems, #fix them, #budgets, #deadlines, #technical stuff, #any questions, #feel nauseated, #great job, #compliments

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Let's have a pre-meeting before your meeting with our vice president. "Don't mention any problems because he might try to fix them." "Don't say anything about budgets or deadlines because he might reduce them." "Leave out the technical stuff because it will only confuse him." "That leaves me nothing to talk about." "Perfect!" "Hello... And in summary. Are there any questions?" "Wow! That's the first presentation that hasn't made me feel nauseated or dizzy! Great job!" "Why does success make me hate humanity?" "They deserve it."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 27, 2005's comic on:


Tags #buiness stragey, #list, #past years, #no afraid of change, #deserve bonus, #generous, #good looking, #rhetorical question

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Our new business strategy is... "Hold on." "I made a list of all of our strategies for the past five years." "There have been seventeen of them." "What does that tell us?" "That I'm not afraid of change." "And that I've been working hard and I deserve a huge bonus." "And that I'm kind and generous and good looking." "You have to give him credit. The man knows how to answer a rhetorical question."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 18, 2004's comic on:


Tags #vendor, #contract signed, #price set, #hurt to ask, #time machine, #feel stupid, #hurts to ask

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The Boss: as the vendor to take 20% off the price. Dilbert: Now??? You already signed the contract, The price is set in stone. The Boss: It doesn't hurt to ask. Dilbert: It doesn't? SO...although we just signed the contract, would you please lower the price 20% Ha Ha Ha!!! Geta time machine you bumpkin!!! DIlbertL GAAA!! I feel stupid and filled with self loathing....futiloty tugs at my should,,,,my guts are clenched! Good. Ask Id they'll go for 19% DIlbert: It hurts to ask!!!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 23, 2013's comic on:


Tags #big business, #executives, #money, #corporate strcucture, #derivatives, #offshore accounts, #goodwill, #customers, #feel beholden

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CEO: Our corporate structure is so complicated that I have no idea where our money even comes from I think it comes from derivatives or offshore accounts or maybe goodwill. Dilbert: Or maybe customers give us money. CEO: I hope not. I don't like to feel beholden.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 22, 2014's comic on:


Tags #managers & supervisors, #change recommendation, #approval, #feel ownership, #feel you own me, #ignorant decisions, #more clear, #agreement, #business

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Boss: Change your recommendation to the opposite of what you wrote and send it to me for approval. Dilbert: Why do I need approval for the thing you just approved? Boss: I want you to feel some ownership. Dilbert: I already feel that you own me. Boss: I mean that I want you to feel ownership of the recommendation. Dilbert: How can I feel ownership of your ignorant decisions? Boss: By getting my approval for them. I can't be more clear. Dilbert: At least we agree on that.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 30, 2014's comic on:


Tags #criticism, #feedback, #managers, #managers & supervisors, #performance, #appreciate, #feel valued, #belittle, #indirect, #slow and isorganized, #business

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Boss: Would you like some feedback on your performance? Dilbert: No. Boss: You're supposed to appreciate feedback because it makes you feel valued. Dilbert: How does listening to you belittle me about things you don't understand make me feel valued? Boss: Well, I don't know. It must be an indirect thing. Maybe we should just try it and see how it feels. Dilbert: Whatever. Boss: I don't actually watch you work, so I'm mostly guessing about the things you do wrong. I accuse you of being slow and disorganized! Is it working yet? Dilbert: Yes. If that makes you go away.

Afraid Of Alice

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Afraid Of Alice - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 04, 2018's comic on:


Tags #employees, #engineering, #fear, #request

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Tina: Did Alice find the data I need? Dilbert: Why don't you ask her? Tina: I'm afraid of her. Dilbert: You're not afraid of me? Tina: I've seen you try to lift a box of printer paper. Dilbert: Paper is heavier than it looks.

Boss Does Research On Internet

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Boss Does Research On Internet - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 18, 2019's comic on:


Tags #internet, #searching, #secret, #unbelievable, #nonsense, #afraid, #truth

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Boss: I was doing some research on the internet... Dilbert: Uh-oh. Boss: And I learned that there is a secret cia base inside the sun, but no one is talking about it. Dilbert: Maybe you shouldn't do research on the internet. Boss: Why are you afraid of the truth?