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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 11, 1997's comic on:


Tags #how big bonus, #work on project, #digits

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Alice tells Dilbert, "Today I'll find out how big my bonus will be." Alice continues, "After all the work I did on that project, I'm thinking four digits, maybe five." Later, Dilbert asks, "How many digits?" Alice replies, "I used one on each hand."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 05, 1992's comic on:


Tags #Dogbert, #mtv, #reporter, #success, #crowd, #instincts, #invent, #rap, #dressing, #music, #grammer, #nobody, #else, #quite

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Dogbert tells Dilbert, "I'm off to my new job as an MTV reporter." Dogbert holds a microphone and stands next to a man wearing gold chains and a cap. Dogbert asks, "Rap star Freshy Q, what is the key to your success?" Freshy Q replies, "Always be yourself. Don't follow the crowd. Be true to your instincts." Dogbert asks, "Did YOU invent rap?" Freshy Q replies, "Uh . . . No." Dogbert says, "Oh, but you probably pioneered this style of dressing." Freshy Q replies, "Not exactly." Dogbert says, "But you write all of your own music." Freshy Q says, "No . . . I buy it." Dogbert asks, "The dance steps?" Freshy Q replies, "I hire a choreographer." Dogbert says, "Well, I'll bet nobody else folds his arms quite like you." Freshy Q says, "I don't like the direction this is heading."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 12, 1992's comic on:


Tags #Dogbert, #guide, #movie, #advertising, #thumbs, #nominated, #academy, #award, #stallone, #funniest, #masterpledge, #source, #farm

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The panel is titled, "Dogbert's Guide to Movie Advertisements." Dogbert says, "Trust me." The advertisement says, "'Thumbs up.' -Gene Siskel." Dogbert says, "Meaning: Roger Ebert hates it." The advertisement says, "'Nominated for an Academy Award.'" Dogbert says, "Notice they don't say for what -- probably 'Best Gaffer.'" The advertisement says, "'Funniest movie of the year.'" Dogbert says, "He saw it in mid-January." The advertisement says, "Four stars . . . A masterpiece!'" Dogbert says, "The movie studio only paid off one critic. Must be a low-budget film." The advertisement says, "'Powerful performances.'" Dogbert says, "It's a downer. Somebody probably gets a disease and loses the farm." The advertisement says, "'I loved it!' -Floyd Belcher, Nosehair Magazine." Dogbert says, "Remember to consider the source." The advertisement says, "Stallone's funniest movie yet." Dogbert says, "I think you get the hang of it."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 07, 1993's comic on:


Tags #the boss, #Dilbert, #alice, #table, #introduce, #afraid, #forget, #integrated, #work, #remember, #drawing, #norwegian

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The Boss, Dilbert, Wally and Alice sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "I see some new faces. Let's go around the table and introduce ourselves." Dilbert thinks, "I hate this. I'm always afraid I'll forget my name when the pressure is on me." The man next to Dilbert says, ". . . And I've been in the Integrated Design District for four years." Dilbert thinks, "Uh-oh." Dilbert thinks, "People are saying where they work. I can't remember the name of my district." The man concludes, ". . . And there you have it! Ha ha!" Dilbert thinks, "Aaagh! Now they're adding witty comments." Dilbert thinks, "I'm drawing a blank. My only chance is to pretend I only speak Norwegian." Dilbert says, "Norna borna corna dorna fiord cajorda. Ha ha ha!" Back at home, Dilbert tells Dogbert, "The amazing thing is that I get paid the same no matter what I do." Dogbert replies, "Thank God for that."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 15, 1998's comic on:


Tags #flu darts, #stockholders, #benefit of stockholders, #not employees, #401k stock, #not real, #boss says not real

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Wally is standing in front of the Boss' desk. There are four darts in Wally's back. The Boss tells him, "No one likes being hunted down and shot with flu darts, Wally." He continues, "But remember: companies are managed for the benefit of stockholders, not employees." Wally responds, "I own stock. It's in my 401(K) account." The Boss counters, "I'm not supposed to tell you, but none of that is real."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 13, 1998's comic on:


Tags #technology development group, #boss's son, #college, #hid in attic, #no college, #smart, #education

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The Boss, his son, and Dilbert. The Boss points at his son and says, "I hired my son to manage our Technology Development Group." The Boss continues, "He's young, but I'm almost positive he went to college." Dilbert and The Boss' son walk away. Dilbert says, "Where did you go to college?" The Boss' son replies, "Actually, I hid in the attic for four years."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 22, 1994's comic on:


Tags #project plan, #every resource, #task, #dependency, #road map, #two weeks, #tasks, #two weeks late, #dependencies are wrong, #estimates, #to be determined, #ransom numbers, #redo whole plan

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Man: "Let's spend the next four hours reviewing the project plan." "I've detailed every resource, task and dependency into an exquisitely accurate road map." "It took me two weeks, but it's the only way to make sure we're not wasting time." Alice: "My tasks are two weeks late because I was waiting for your input." Dilbert: "And you left off one task, so all the dependencies are wrong." Wally: "I'm changing all of my estimate to 'to be determined'." Dilbert: "Can we do that? I've just been using random numbers." Man: "I'll have to redo the whole plan." Wally: "Don't worry. We won't do anything until we hear from you."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 07, 1995's comic on:


Tags #habits of highly defective people, #ignore signs, #belittle people, #newest team, #all complainers fault, #motivate me, #therapist, #controversial issues, #barney as mascot, #assembly line code, #prejudices, #crisp photo copy, #cpmics, #psychology

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The panel contains the title, "The Seven Habits of Highly Defective People." The caption says, "1. Ignore any signs of discomfort in others." The Boss sits across the table from a dusty skeleton and says, "But hey, I've been doing all of the talking." The caption says, "2. Use humor to belittle people in public." The Boss puts his arm around a man and tells Wally, "Our newest team member has movie star looks. Specifically, Lassie." Wally laughs. The caption says, "3. Treat all complaints as the complainer's fault." Dilbert says, "You don't motivate me." The Boss replies, "Maybe you should see a therapist." The caption says, "4. Show up late and raise controversial issues." The Boss walks into a meeting room and says, "I think we should license 'Barney' as our mascot." The caption says, "5. Give advice on things you don't understand." The Boss points to Dilbert's monitor and says, "Try writing some assembly line code here." The caption says, "6. Use compliments to show your prejudices." The Boss says to Alice, "Ooh, nice crisp photocopy, Alice. I don't think a man could have done it better!" The caption says, "7. Think the comics are not about you." The Boss reads the newspaper and says, "Hee hee! Look at the hair on that guy!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 08, 1995's comic on:


Tags #primitive, #donut scavenging man, #yellow sticky notes, #humiliation, #live off land, #bountiful harvest, #dance to gods, #meeting notices

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Wally, Dilbert and Alice walk out of a conference room. Wally says, "That's four hours that I'd like to have back." Dilbert asks, "Who called that meeting anyway?" Dilbert says, "I must have left my calendar in there." Dilbert walks into the room and sees a man grabbing doughnuts from a plate on the conference table. Dilbert says, "I've discovered a primitive donut-scavenging man clad only in yellow sticky notes!!" The man says, "I was once like you, before the great rif." The man continues, "But rather than leave in humiliation I decided to stay and live off the land like our proud ancestors." The man says as he dances, "To ensure a bountiful harvest I do my donut dance to the gods." The man continues, "When that doesn't work I distribute meeting notices." Dilbert shouts, "YOU're the one!!"

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 09, 1996's comic on:


Tags #Dogbert, #gullible, #spend money, #gullible freinds, #touch tone phone

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Dilbert walks through the house thinking, "Where's Dogbert?" Dilbert sits on the couch and turns the television on with the remote control. He thinks, "Uh-oh." On a tv commercial, Dogbert sits at a desk wearing a sorcerer's hat. Dogbert asks, "Are you gullible? Do you spend money on stupid stuff?" Dogbert continues, "Call the 'Dogbert Gullible Friends Hotline' for help. Only four dollars per minute." On tv, a woman says into a telephone, "Hello, Dogbert. I bought an exercise machine and I'm still lazy." Dogbert says, "Please hold." The woman replies, "Okay." Dogbert says, "Call now, and I'll replace your old television with a new one that looks just like it, while you sleep!" Dogbert continues, "If you don't have a touch tone phone, stay on the line . . . Until you get one."