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Dilbert looks over the wall into Wally's cubicle and says, "Wally, these peer reviews are like the famous 'prisoner's dilemma.'" Dilbert explains, "If you rat on me but I say good things about you, you get the biggest raise. But if we praise each other we can BOTH get a small raise." Alice looks over the wall and says, "Wally, if you rat him out, I'll let you look at my 'Victoria's Secret' catalog." Dilbert says, "This is exactly why there are no coed prisons."
The Boss says to Wally, "Good news, Wally. Most of our smart employees quit to get much better jobs elsewhere. Now we don't have to do any downsizing." The Boss continues, "Your job is safe. We need you to do the work of all the people who left." Wally, Dilbert and Alice sit at a table eating lunch. Wally asks, "Is it just me . . . or is the quality of 'good news' really going downhill lately?" Dilbert replies, "I'd have to say you're both going downhill."
Dogbert sits across from the Boss's desk. The Boss asks, "Why do you want a job as our network administrator, Mister Dogbert?" Dogbert replies, "I don't like people. This is a good opportunity to annoy idiots such as yourself for my own entertainment." The Boss says, "Wow. You're perfect. Can you start tomorrow?" Dogbert replies, "Sure, as far as you know. I'll give you my pager number."
The Boss reads a document and tells Dilbert, Wally and Alice, "The company announced that we will 'abandon our strategy of making good products . . .'" The Boss continues, "From now on we'll 'pursue a desperate strategy of mergers, business spin-offs, fruitless partnerships and random reorganizations.'" The Boss reads, "And we'll accelerate our program of paying the good employees to leave." Dilbert asks Wally, "Stock price?" Wally looks at his monitor and replies, "Up three points."
Dilbert arrives at home carrying his briefcase. Dogbert sits on the couch armrest. Dilbert says, "My boss is making the engineers compete in an 'Iron Man' event. It's supposed to improve teamwork." Dilbert sits on the couch and says, "I'm glad I take the stairs sometimes instead of using the elevator. I'm in pretty good shape." Dilbert flexes his arm and feels his bicep. Dogbert says, "Yes, you are, to the extent potato is a pretty good shape." Dilbert says, "I just wrenched a muscle."
The Boss and a man sit at a conference table. The man says, "Your product looks good, but you can't be our supplier unless your company is ISO 9000 certified." The Boss asks, "So . . . You don't care how bad our internal processes are, as long as they're well-documented and used consistently?" The man replies, "That's right." The Boss says, "Our documented process says I must now laugh in your face and double our price."
Dilbert types, "On the surface, you seem to make some good points about technology . . ." Dilbert types, "But your e-mail address reveals your newbie identity. You're probably a goat herder or a cartoonist." Dilbert sits on the couch and Dogbert sits on the backrest. Dogbert asks, "How does it feel to be an elitist technology bigot?" Dilbert says, "I prefer to think of myself as a technology 'have.'"
Dogbert stands at the front of a room and says, "The secret to good relationships is to be a huge phony." Dilbert and Wally sit in the class. Dogbert clicks a remote control and says, "Let's practice the three fundamentals." A slide projection lists, "Loud, Simple, Smiley." Wally shouts, "Hey, how about that low-pressure system, huh?!!" Dogbert stands on a stool and says, "Again, but this time say 'weather.'"
Someone behind a desk tells Ratbert, "I'm looking for a new corporate trainer to help me teach classes in stress reduction, conflict resolution, and teamwork." Ratbert yells, "I'll burn in hell before I'll do your work plus my own, you filthy weasel!!!" Dilbert asks, "And they hired you?" Ratbert replies, "A good trainer doesn't have to be a subject matter expert."
Ratbert stands on a desk looking at a glass of water. He says, "A pessimist says the glass is half empty. An optimist says it's half full." Dilbert asks, "Did you put your lips on my glass again?" Ratbert says, "And the engineer says . . ." Dilbert says, "It's a good thing I put half of my water in a redundant glass."