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Dilbert sits at his desk working on his computer. Dogbert says, "I just read that a new computer chip is on the market. Your machine is out of date." Dogbert continues, "You're behind the curve. Technology is racing ahead without you. You're no longer state-of-the-art or leading edge." Dogbert continues, "Sometimes people like you can get jobs in museums." Dilbert yells, "I bought this thing yesterday!!"
Dogbert sits on a park bench with a large man. The man says, "I never learned to read, but it didn't matter because I was a great athlete." The man continues, "Then came the multi-million dollar contract, which I spent on drugs. Eventually I was banned from sports. I quit drugs because I couldn't afford it." The man says, "Now I'm a motivational speaker." Dogbert asks, "Have you motivated anybody to become illiterate yet?"
At company headquarters, someone asks, "Does anybody have a plan for getting rid of the employees?" Another person answers, "Well, they're bad at math; we could offer deceptively small sums of money to people who retire." Dilbert, Wally and Alice read copies of a document. Dilbert says, "Hey, this could be good." Wally says, "It's been a long time since I had to calculate the cosine of anything."
Dogbert sits across from the Boss's desk wearing a sorcerer's hat. Dogbert says, "I am Dogbert the Psychic Business Consultant. I can read minds." The Boss asks, "If you can read minds, what's my favorite color?" Dogbert replies, "Your favorite color is puce, but you are mistakenly thinking of a primary color because you don't know what puce is." The Boss says, "Whoa . . . I just got a shiver."
The Boss says to Dogbert, who is wearing a sorcerer's hat, "I want you to read my boss's mind and tell me what he wants my group to work on." Dogbert asks, "Why don't you just ask him?" The Boss replies, "Ask him?? I can't do that. His calendar is booked for months. And I never understand what he says anyway." Dogbert says, "He thinks you're an idiot, but it's easier to pay you than to fire you." The Boss whistles and says, "Whew! Job security."
Dogbert, who is wearing a sorcerer's hat, tells the Boss, "I'll use my powers to read the minds of your employees and get ideas for improving morale." Dogbert says, "Hmm . . . All they care about is romance, ski trips and 'Star Trek.'" The Boss asks, "How about if we give the high performers little key chains with the company logo?" Dogbert says, "I'm getting a blank from this direction."
The Boss: I just read this great book about how to 'reengineer' our business processes. everybody's doing it. We'd better jump under the bandwagon before the train leaves the station! Im putting you in charge. The Boss: If you need any management support you know where to go,
The Boss: I agreed to ship Project 'Dewdrop' to some customers for beta testing. Dilbert: Didn't you read my test report? Dewdrop explodes when you plug it in. The Boss: we'll limit the beta trial to friendly customers. Dilbert: we killed all the friendly ones with project ducky.
"I was just reading your project status report." "You say the project is delayed 'due to the ongoing bungling of a clueless, pointy-haired individual.'" "Instead of saying 'due to', it would read better as 'facilitated by'."
The Boss, Dilbert and another worker sit at a conference table. The worker says, "I'm happy to report that the 'Excellence in Teaming' read-out is nearly ready." The worker continues, "It's taken forty people from a dozen departments to complete the study. We finally got complete buy-in." Dilbert asks, "Is that the study of why we can't make decisions?" The worker responds, "Originally. But it evolved into more of a discussion of squirrel migration patterns."