Technical Issue Comic Strips - Page 8
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The Boss says, "Tina, I have to give you a performance rating of 'Poor' because you did no work this year." Tina exclaims, "No work?" Tina says, "I wrote hundreds of technical documents this year!" Tina continues to The Boss, "I worked seventy hours a week!" Tina continues, "I e-mailed every one of the documents to you..." Tina continues, "... With instructions to forward them with your approval to the end users." The Boss says, "That reminds me: I don't know how to open attachments." Tina says to Dilbert, "Why didn't you tell me you never got my documents?" Dilbert asks, "Who are you?"
Tags #save money, #firings, #consultants, #flossie, #highly technical work, #invitation, #shake hands, #greeting ritual, #brain overload, #raise rates, #over reacts, #dumb woman, #lost, #freak, #new hire
The Boss comes into Brian's cubicle and says, "I'm sorry, Brian. I have to fire all my consultants to save money." Brian turns to the Boss and asks, "Who will do your highly technical work?" The Boss brings in a woman and says to Brian, "You can transfer all your knowledge to Flossie." Brian holds out his hand to shake hands and says, "Hi." Flossie grips a pencil in her hand and says, "What's with the hand? Do you want to borrow my pencil?" Brian replies, "Um...no. This is an invitation to shake hands. It's a greeting ritual." Flossie grabs her head and shouts, "OUCH!! Brain overload!! It's too much information!!" Flossie puts both hands on either side of her head and repeats, "Purge! Purge! Purge!" Flossie stares at Brian blankly and says calmly, "Where am I?" Brian thinks to himself, "I need to raise my rates."
Dilbert walks into a meeting and asks, "Who called this meeting?" The male coworker replies, "We thought you did." The coworker continues, "I think we should discuss issues and assign tasks so it's not a complete waste of time." Dilbert responds, "Maybe meetings have become a lifeform capable of calling themselves and thus reproducing via human hosts." The male coworker turns to the female coworker and says, "Good issue." She replies, "Wow!"
An employee says to The Boss, "I quit. I got a better job with our competitor." The Boss responds, "Okay, but remember the employment agreement you signed." The Boss continues, "You agreed to not take away knowledge or skills you acquired at this job." The employee replies, "That's crazy. How can I stop knowing what I learned?" Catbert enters and says, "Come with me." There is a huge contraption with a suction cup. The employee looks up at it and asks, "Will this hurt?" Catbert responds, "I hope so." The machine clamps on the employee's head and makes the sounds, "Suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck." Catbert is working the controls. He says, "Ha ha!! I got your technical knowledge! And there go your verbal skills!" The employee has nothing left but a tiny ball for a head. He says, "Great. Now what do I do?" Catbert responds, "I'd stay away from the golf course."
The Boss points to a slide of a man making a funny face and says, "We've expanded our customer disservice program." The Boss points to the next slide of a technician saying, "Uh.. reboot." The Boss continues, "...Doubled our unhelpful technical support advice." The next slide is of a customer leaning back with one hand on the phone and the other holding his stomach, saying, "So... hungry." The Boss continues, "... Stretched our telephone hold times to lethal durations..." Wally, Dilbert, and Alice listen as The Boss' voice continues, "... And cleansed our online support database of all useful articles." The Boss says, "Our goal is to force customers to form support groups." The Boss continues, "Over time, with luck, we'll train customers to do our manufacturing and shipping, too." Wally raises his hand and asks, "May I train a customer to do my job?" The Boss replies, "Sure." A little boy sits in front of a computer with a cup of coffee in his hand. He asks Wally, "So.. what do I do?" Wally responds, "You're doing it."
The Boss hands Dilbert a document and says, "Write a rebuttal to this technical recommendation so I can reject it." Dilbert responds, "I can't write a rebuttal to my own recommendation!" Dilbert comes home and says to Dogbert, "... Then I had to write myself up for insubordination." Dogbert replies, "Mock yourself and go to bed."
Carol hands The Boss a magazine and says, "Our products got reviewed in the new issue of 'Extortion Magazine.'" The Boss reads, "If they had bought more ad space in this magazine, we would not compare their products to week-old spit." Carol says, "It's better than last month." The Boss responds, "I'll bet we can get to 'day-old' with another half-page ad."
Tina is sitting at her computer. Dilbert approaches and asks, "Tina, would you...?" Tina interrupts him, "Hold on while I finish writing this e-mail." Tina says, "It's a twelve-page description of my carpal tunnel issue, and the fact that there's never enough time to do my work." Dilbert asks, "Are all of your problems self-inflicted?" Tina responds, "That's it! I'm adding a chapter about you. Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch!"
The Boss: Tell me why you need a new server. and don't give me the condescending simple version for managers. I want a full technical explanation. Dilbert: Early civilizations had no concept of zero. The Boss: Go on.
Dilbert: "The technical solution is simple and inexpensive." "But it would cost a fortune to get internal approvals because vast herds of management dolts would get involved." "So I should just do it, right?" The Boss: "Did you just call me a vast herd?"