alice: i need a new chair. mine is broken.
the boss: you can use my old chair. i just got a new one.
alice: the chair you sat in every day for the past twelve years?
alice: by now that chair cushion is home to a thriving colony of your cooties.
alice: that chair will be off--gassing you for decades.
alice: i wouldn't touch that thing unless i were wearing a hazmat suit over my other hazmat suit.
alice: i'm breaking into a flop sweat just thinking about it, and i think it's triggering my allergies.
the boss: would you like to borrow my hand-kerchief?
alice is visually in a daze.
alice, the boss and ask at table.
the boss: i need a volunteer to assemble welcome baskets for our new hires.
alice: i recommend ask the intern because obviously, it would be sexist to ask a women to do it.
the boss: good point. ask, the project is yours.
ted thinking: racist.
the boss: i can't give you a raise because you didn't do anything noteworthy this year.
dilbert: it only seems that way because i'm so good at my job that i make it look easy and never complain.
alice visually upset and yelling: my job is a nightmare!!!
the boss: why can't you be more like alice?
alice visually distressed and yelling: can you please stop slurping that soup?
wally: wow. you complain when i clip my toe-nails, when i make lip-smacking sounds, when i use my speaker-phone, and even when i microwave fish.
alice still yelling: doesn't that tell you some things??
wally: yes, it's impossible to please you. slurp.
alice: i noticed you have your keyboard click sounds activated. i've been listening to it all morning.
the boss holding cell phone: i don't know how to make it stop.
alice: i'll show you.
frame shows outside of office building with phone being thrown out window.
the boss attempting a handshake: great job on the presentation.
alice: i prefer to avoid contact with that festering germ colony you call a hand.
the boss: okay. better safe than sorry.
alice: and could you face backward when you talk to me?
Boss: Our new advertising campaign is "Don't be like men." The ad starts with a montage of bad male behavior, from mansplaining to genocide. Then we show our product.
Alice: Did a woman come up with this campaign?
Boss: Stop being like a man.
Boss: You haven't finished the mandatory compliance training modules.
Alice: I'm waiting for a strategic time to do them.
Boss: Oh, okay. Want to go to lunch?
Alice: I would love to, but I have training modules to do.
Alice: Our product pipeline looks dismal.
Boss: It's always darkest before the dawn.
Alice: You're comparing product development to the solar system. I don't know what to do with that.
Boss: What would Jesus do?
Alice: Do me a favor and never put me on a project with people over the age of forty. They waste the first fifteen minutes of every meeting talking about their health problems.
Boss: Did you say something? I can't hear you over my tinnitus.
