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Dogbert the public relations consultant Dogbert says, "The public won't forgive you until you fake some remorse." Dogbert says, "These glasses have a hose that leads to a pumping station and a huge reservoir of fake tears." CEO says, "If we have another press conference, we should crack open a window."
The Boss says, "Wally, I need you to work with a greater sense of urgency." Wally says, "The Bible says, "Good things come to those who wait." Wally says, "SO it's basically you against God. Let me know when you two get it sorted out." Dilbert says, "Really? There was thunder when he doubted you?" Wally says, "I synchronize my excuses to weather forecasts."
Wally says, "My cubicle is surrounded by loud idiots who make it impossible for me to concentrate on my work." The Boss says, "Did you create a presentation on why you couldn't do the presentation you're supposed to be doing?" Wally says, "Yes" The Boss says, "Wouldn't it have been just as easy to create the actual presentation?" Wally says, "I'm hoping to use this this one more than once."
The Boss says, "Wally, when you don't give 100%, it's unfair to your co-workers who have to pick up the slack." Wally says, "Actually, I'm pretty sure they like having less competition for raises." The Boss says, "There's no budget for raises this year." Wally says, "Yeah, I wouldn't mention that to the others."
Dilbert says, "Could you make these changes in the database? It will only take five minutes."Man says, "Ooh, I don't know?" Dilbert says, "Wait!" Dilbert says, "Are you planning to spend ten minutes explaining why you don't have five minutes to do this task?" Dilbert says, "Or are you so incompetent that a five-minute task will take an hour?" Dilbert says, "Or are you limited by company policy because you're a feckless waste of carbon?" Dilbert says, "Or are you the agreeable but unorganized type who will say yes, lose my note, and forget who asked?" Man says, "I was planning to tell you this doesn't need to be done and refuse to change my position even after you give me good reasons." Dilbert says, "Experience is just another word for losing hope."
The boss says, "Wally, you didn't e-mail me your project status." Wally says, "Did you check your spam folder?" Wally says, "Maybe you should check there before you besmirch my good name with your baseless accusations." The Boss says, "Did you send it?" Wally says, "Okay, I see how you're trying to turn this around."
The boss says, "Wally, are you done with your project yet?" Wally says, "I'll be done next week." The Boss says ,"You've said, 'Next week' for seven weeks in a row. What makes you think I'm going to believe it this time?" Wally says, "The first six times?"
The Boss says, "Tina, you can't work at home anymore because the admins can't do it, and they're jealous." Tina says, "I'm a technical writter. Why don't you explain to the admins that my job is different from theirs." The Boss says, "When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it."
Wally says, "My productivity software turned on me." Wally says, "It keeps crashing my computer. But that's okay because I don't need a computer to do my job." Wally says, "Do you have any assignments that are sort of pre-industrial?"
Wally says, "If I don't have enough time to do things right, should I just do nothing?" Wally says, "Or do you prefer that I miss deadlines, or do shoddy work, or pray for divine intervention?" The boss says, "I want everything fast and perfect." Wally says, "Can I buy a prayer rug?"