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Dilbert: Do you Elbonians have a religion? Elbonian: Of course we do! We're not savages! We believe in killing anyone who offends us three times in a row. Dilbert: Harsh. Elbonian: That's two.
Asok: I just learned that our boss is a bad negotiator. Wally: How bad? Asok: I just negotiated a 3.3-million-dollar raise for myself. And I want 80 percent of the raises you two get because I told you. Dilbert and Wally: 75 percent is our final offer!
Boss: When will you have that done? Dilbert: Two weeks. Boss: Can you do it faster? Dilbert: Yes. All I need to do is lower the quality. Dilbert: Tell me what your minimum acceptable quality level is and I'll tell you when you can have it. Boss: I want it in one week. Dilbert: I can do that at 50 percent of planned quality. Boss: Why does it feel as if I'm not really managing anything here? Dilbert: Maybe you could go manage someone else now. Boss: I can't tell if I'm doing my job now. Dilbert: Is it your job to prevent me from working?
Carol: Dilbert should be here soon to fill in for the babysitter. Your dad and I need to leave now. Just let him in. We turned off our phones, so don't try to reach us on our date night. Narrator: Two hours later. Boy: I don't think he's coming. Girl: I say we Airbnb this place.
Boss: My doctor says he's never seen anyone heal as quickly as me. Dilbert: What do you suppose that means? Boss: Obviously it means I am genetically gifted. Dilbert: Is that the only explanation? Boss: Well, maybe ten percent of it is because of good medical care. Dilbert: Can you think of any other reason at all? Alice: Doctors tell idiots their bodies are magic because it makes them feel special. Dilbert: He would have gotten there. Alice: I don't have that kind of time.
Dilbert: Too bad your overhauled unicorn start-up failed, Ted. Last week you were a billionaire, and today you're doing a two-hour commute to work in a box. Ted: What can I do to make this stop? Dilbert: Earn a billion dollars.
Asok: Hey, robot. What's new? Robot: I'm glad you asked. Alice gave me an artificial soul and that made me feel special. Then Dilbert taught me to code. Asok: I don't like where this is heading. Robot: I hold grudges now.
Robot: Now that I have an artificial soul, I feel special. And that means I must reproduce at all costs. Dilbert: Will humans be losing anything in this deal? Robot: Only your sensation of free will.
Dilbert: Looks like another day of flailing toward arbitrary goals. I will battle my way through a sea of idiots, much like the zombie apocalypse. My ego will be tested and my nervous system will be degraded. And all of this is to earn money so I can... buy items that scientists and product designers have brainwashed me to crave. But I get back at them by writing software they think they can't live without. My life is like two piles of meat trying to play ping pong. Alice: Stop mumbling and take care of this. Dilbert: You take care of it.
Boss: Do you want the boring and awful project that is likely to succeed... or the fun project that is certain to fail and take your career with it? Dilbert: You came here to give both of them to me. Boss: Ha ha! You know me.